Tease your hair out, snap your gum, and put on something that hugs your curves, because it’s a boom time for brassy Long Island blondes at the movie theater this season. Between Jennifer Lawrence in American Hustle, Margot Robbie in The Wolf of Wall Street, and Scarlett Johansson in Don Jon, it seems like just about every well-reviewed comedy about a rake behaving badly is guaranteed to feature him romancing a heavily accented hottie from across the harbor. But how can you tell all these lovely ladies apart? With this handy-dandy guide, you’ll be better able to tell your Barbaras from your Naomis and from your Rosalyns. And you’d best study up: Set one foot wrong, and you’ll run afoul of the one thing these Long Island blondes all have in common — their outrageously hair-trigger temper.
 Barbara Sugarman (Scarlett Johansson) Don Jon |
 Naomi Belfort (Margot Robbie) The Wolf of Wall Street |
 Rosalyn Rosenfeld (Jennifer Lawrence) American Hustle |
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|---|---|---|---|
| Affectionately referred to as | A dime | The Duchess of Bay Ridge | The Picasso of passive-aggressive karate |
| Romantically involved with | Jon, a New Jersey-born Lothario whose personal theme song is Marky Mark's "Good Vibrations" | Jordan, a Queens-born swindler whose personal theme song is Naughty By Nature's "Hip Hop Hooray" | Irving, a Bronx-born con man whose personal theme song is Duke Ellington's "Jeep's Blues" |
| Introduction | Looking impeccable at a crowded club | Looking impeccable at a crowded party | With half her face burned from a sun lamp |
| First seen wearing a skintight... | Red dress | Blue dress | White leotard |
| Hairstyle | Long, blond, and wavy | Long, blond, and wavy | The most insane updo you’ve ever seen in your life |
| Loves to discuss... | Romcoms | Lingerie | Nail polish |
| Uses or withholds sex in order to... | Motivate Jon to take college courses | Punish Jordan for crashing a helicopter into the estate at 3am | End arguments |
| Angered after discovering... | That Jon looks at porn | That Jordan has been fooling around with a hooker named Venice | That Irving's mistress will be joining them at an important party |
| Is she constantly cheated on? | Well, with porn, yes | Yes | Yes |
| Is her man more besotted with an older woman? | Yes | No | Yes |
| Is there a fight over child custody? | No | Yes | Yes |
| Indicative dialogue | "Don't talk about vacuuming in front of me, come on!" | "Mommy's so sick and tired of wearing panties." | "All your empty deals; they're just like your fuckin' science oven." |