Every November-December period since the beginning of civilization, Netflix has dropped a barrage of Christmas rom-coms onto its platform. Usually these movies star Vanessa Hudgens, maybe one or two other recognizably famous people, and a series of cheerful randos in bright solids. They take place exclusively in the fraught lead-up to Christmas and almost always center on the foibles of journalism (blogging, falling in love with your blog subject) and/or made-up Western European monarchies (losing priceless artifacts right before Christmas, accidentally being twins with a civilian, marrying an American journalist and upsetting everyone).
If you’ve never seen one before, it’s important to know that Netflix’s Christmas rom-coms are not meant to be judged on a spectrum of “good†to “bad.†They are only to be understood on a spectrum from “surreal approximation of human behavior†to “perverting the physical rules of our known universe.†If “motion smoothing†was a genre instead of a TV setting, that genre would contain only these movies. Watching them, especially in succession, amounts to feeling like you didn’t brush your teeth for a month, except your teeth are your brain. Once you have consumed them all, you will have a permanent film over your consciousness that is impossible to remove. I know this because over the years, I have watched nearly all of these movies, and now I am different.
So far this year, Netflix has put out four new Christmas rom-coms: Love Hard, Single All the Way, A Castle for Christmas, and The Princess Switch 3: Romancing the Stone. I’ve watched all of them in full, and I need to do something with this information besides let it live inside of me. So I’m going to break down each film — studying their similarities, differences, merits, and crimes against humanity — in hopes that it helps other people like me.
Love Hard
What “happens†in this movie? Natalie (Nina Dobrev) is a journalist who writes about navigating L.A.’s dating scene. But she cannot find a good man! This is illustrated via a montage of bad online dates and wry lunches with inexplicably drunk-seeming, slightly older coworkers. When she finally meets the perfect guy on Tinder, who is hot and willing to sit on the phone with her and discuss whether Die Hard is a Christmas movie in the year 2021, she decides to risk it all and fly from L.A. to his hometown of Lake Placid, New York, during Christmas and write about it for her journalism job. Unfortunately, Josh is not who he pretended to be online (the hot guy from Never Have I Ever) but is actually a nerd (Jimmy O. Yang). For some reason involving kiwis, Natalie stays in Lake Placid.
Does it take place in a fake European country? Lake Placid is a real place, as far as I understand, but in a sense the United States is a fake European country, so yes.
Are there royals or journalists? Natalie is, as I have mentioned, a very respected dating journalist.
Do people get mistaken for other people? Literally in every scene. Josh pretends to be Tag. Natalie pretends to be Josh’s hot cousin in order to date Tag. Tag pretends to be very interested in Thoreau.
What is the first line of the movie, and is it voice-over? I’m so glad you asked. The first line of the movie begins, “It’s been said that according to Greek mythology,†and yes, it is voice-over.
What else do people say in a way that implies what they are saying is normal human speech, but actually it’s not? This movie unfolds as if it were written by the website BuzzFeed in the year 2011. People argue over the merits of Love, Actually, make jokes about Lyft drivers, and are still offended by the lyrics to “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.†A few choice lines: “I’m the unluckiest woman in the world. My picker is broken.†“No way, you were chubby as a kid too?†“Thoreau is an asshole.â€
Is there a glaringly obvious Chekhovian plot point introduced early on that otherwise has no right being in this movie — or any movie for that matter? Yes. Natalie reveals three times within the film’s first 10 minutes that she is allergic to kiwis. Later on she is unknowingly served a shot made with fresh kiwi in Lake Placid, New York, USA. Her face swells up to twice its normal size and therefore she becomes Ugly, Destroyer of Worlds. Her crush, Tag (the actual hot guy from Never Have I Ever), is horrified, so she must seduce him with her real face later.
Is someone an orphan, making it convenient for them to drop their entire lives during the holiday season? Yes, Natalie.
Do the protagonists concoct an elaborate Christmas-related scheme that is clearly doomed? Yes. Natalie and Josh decide to fake an entire relationship, going so far as to get fake engaged and have a fake engagement party, all while Natalie is dating Tag and pretending to be Josh’s hot cousin.
What is everyone eating and drinking, and is it somehow confusing? Natalie drinks a shot made of fresh kiwi. What goes with fresh kiwi? I’ve thought about it a lot and I suppose it would have to be rum or tequila.
What was Natalie’s favorite book as a kid? Crazy you asked that. It was “a book of poems called Where the Sidewalk Ends,†as she helpfully shares over the phone with Josh.
Is there a wise, bawdy elderly person? Yes, Josh’s grandma is very bawdy and wants to internet-date.
Does someone have a job they hate but also a secret, weird passion that they decide to follow by the end of the movie? Yes, Josh works at his dad’s outdoor gear store, but he really wants to make candles “for men.†At the end, his dad cheerfully proclaims, “My son loves to make candles!â€
Do the leads have absolutely no chemistry and therefore it’s uncomfortable to watch them kiss at the end? Yeah.
Is there a weird musical/dance break tacked on during the credits? Unfortunately, no, though there is singing earlier in the movie. Josh’s grandma simply asks everyone, “What is a dick pic?â€
A Castle for Christmas
What “happens†in this movie? Brooke Shields is a world-famous romance novelist named Sophie Brown whose readers are upset with her because she killed off the lover of her longtime protagonist, a woman named Emma Gale. She decides within four minutes of this crisis to abandon her life and college-age child and race off to Scotland, where her dad once worked as a castle servant and carved his name into a door. The castle is named Dun Dunbar, which is Scottish for something. She waltzes into the castle, feeling entitled to it due to her dad’s name on the door, and meets its rude duke (played by Cary Elwes), who has to sell the castle because he mysteriously went broke. She decides to purchase it on a whim, starts sparring with the rude duke because they both have to live there for a few months while the castle is in escrow, and the rest is real Scottish history. Look it up.
Does it take place in a fake European country? Scotland is fake, yes.
Are there royals or journalists? The Duke of Dunbar is royal but has no money left, which is embarrassing. (He’s broke because he has a heart of gold and is, like, paying mortgages for his subjects? Something feudal.) There is a journalist, but that’s a surprise for 12 questions from now.
Do people get mistaken for other people? When Sophie first meets the duke, she thinks he is a civilian, so when she falls in love with him, you know it’s real, especially because he’s a real asshole.
What is the first line of the movie, and is it voice-over? Yes. It’s a triple fake-out: “Do you believe in love at first sight? Me neither. Those were the words that started the whole Emma Gale success story.â€
What else do people say in a way that implies what they are saying is normal human speech but actually it’s not? “Here’s to women buying castles!â€
Sorry, did you say that Brooke Shields specifically toasts to “women buying castles� Yes.
Interesting. How does Brooke Shields get inspired to write? She sits at her laptop and says, “Warrior woman, speak to me!â€
Is there a glaringly obvious Chekhovian plot point introduced early on that otherwise has no right being in this movie — or any movie for that matter? Zero kiwi allergies here.
Do the protagonists concoct an elaborate Christmas-related scheme that is clearly doomed? Sophie and the duke decide to throw a Christmas party for the entire town, despite the castle being in shambles and, as I mentioned, in escrow.
Does the castle inexplicably look like shit? The castle is lit like a Walmart at 9 p.m. on a Tuesday and decorated like a golfer’s wife’s Pinterest page.
Do entire relationships take place over FaceTime or Skype? Yes. Sophie’s daughter, whom she abandons in America for untold months, is present only via international video calls until the end of the movie, when we see her in person for 14 seconds.
Is someone an orphan, making it convenient for them to drop their entire lives during the holiday season? Sophie’s daughter, basically.
What is everyone eating and drinking and is it somehow confusing? There is a lot of raw scotch swigged at a local bar during the daytime, but nobody ever seems drunk. Sophie’s daughter appears from the ether on Christmas morning and serves a massive hot drink in a very fragile-looking glass, covered in layers of whipped cream and peppermint. Where and how and why did she make this? That is for the Scottish history books to tell me.
Is everyone dressed weirdly for no reason? Brooke Shields, one of the most beautiful women on earth, wears a series of outfits that can only be described as “from Amazon.com.†Most of them include a puffer vest, leggings, a sensible long-sleeve shirt, and sneakers, all in the exact same color (most memorably, bright purple).
Is there a wise, bawdy elderly person? Yes, a member of Sophie’s knitting club, who tailors her a slutty Scottish dress out of a matronly Scottish dress.
Does someone have a job they hate but also a secret, weird passion that they decide to follow by the end of the movie? Sophie abandons populist heroine Emma Gale to write a book called The Heart of a Warrior. (The recurring warrior imagery in this movie is never explained, but that’s okay. I assume everyone in Scotland knows something that I don’t.) Its first lines: “In this day and age, not everyone believes in happy endings. But I just might.â€
Do the leads have absolutely no chemistry and therefore it’s uncomfortable to watch them kiss at the end? Yeah.
Does The Drew Barrymore Show exist within the universe of this movie? Weird question. It does. Barrymore has two scenes wherein she plays “herself†hosting Sophie: In the first, she chastises her on air for killing her beloved character; the second scene is a blooper reel at the end of the film wherein both women repeatedly break character and seem extremely confused about the nature of their realities.
Is there an inexplicable musical/dance break tacked on during the credits? No.
Single All the Way
What “happens†in this movie? Peter (Michael Urie), a social media manager of some sort who is unlucky in love, asks his best friend, Nick (Philemon Chambers), to travel home with him for the holidays and pretend to be his boyfriend after he finds out his real boyfriend is actually straight married. This is a huge ask, as Nick has a famous dog that he based a children’s book on and has to find boarding for at the last minute, but Nick says yes. The fake-boyfriend ruse is abandoned instantly and without conversation — I am honestly still lost on this part. Peter’s mom (Kathy Najimy) sets him up with her local workout instructor (Luke McFarlane), but then Peter’s very annoying family (except for Jennifer Coolidge, who is in a different and better movie, one where she recites Madonna’s preshow prayer from Truth or Dare in full) decides he actually loves Nick, so they spend the movie trying to force these two friends together even though they say things off the bat like, “It’s so offensive when people assume two gay friends should date each other.†Anyway, they do date each other.
Does it take place in a fake European country? I honestly forget what East Coast town this movie takes place in, and I can’t bear to go back and find out. Let’s just say Lake Placid.
Are there royals or journalists? Peter is in a vague sort of digital marketing role for shaving cream, so he is in the “journalist†circle of the Netflix Christmas rom-com Venn diagram.
Do people get mistaken for other people? Jennifer Coolidge mistakes the hot gay workout instructor for a straight man.
What is the first line of the movie, and is it voice-over? Oddly, it is diegetic. Peter is directing a photo shoot featuring a bunch of Insta-gays in shaving-cream beards. The photographer says, “Beautiful. Nice, guys.â€
What else do people say in a way that implies what they are saying is normal human speech but actually it’s not? “Plants don’t cheat.â€
Is there subtle commentary on the gig economy? Yes. Despite being a successful children’s book author who has enough money to (spoiler alert!) put a down payment on a special retail space for Peter, Nick is also a TaskRabbit. He is always leaving important events to go hang strangers’ Christmas lights.
Is there a glaringly obvious Chekhovian plot point introduced early on that otherwise has no right being in this movie — or any movie for that matter? Nick’s TaskRabbit career might only be in the movie because it makes it possible for him to hang Christmas lights for the wife of the man that Peter has been dating early on in the movie, thus exposing Peter’s boyfriend as straight-married.
Do the protagonists concoct an elaborate Christmas-related scheme that is clearly doomed? Peter and Nick spend a lot of time hemming and hawing over their fake-boyfriend scheme, and then abandon it within one minute of arriving home, never to speak of it again. Peter’s teenage cousins, a bunch of white TikTok bitches, scheme to get him together with Nick in a way that is profoundly offensive on about 18 different levels. At one point, they remove a ladder from under Nick as he tries to hang Christmas lights and won’t give it back until he admits that he loves Peter. Prison!
What is everyone eating, and is it somehow confusing? Much is made of the “candy cane martini,†a drink that looks like thin, red Kool-Aid diluted with warm water.
Do entire relationships take place over FaceTime or Skype? Yes, the relationship between Nick and his dog, who is locked up alone for 10 straight days in L.A. while he hangs Christmas lights all over the East Coast.
Is someone an orphan, making it convenient for them to drop their entire lives during the holiday season? Yes, Nick is an orphan so he can move to Peter’s town with him. Also Nick’s dog.
Does someone have a job they hate but also a secret, weird passion that they decide to follow by the end of the movie? Peter hates his job as a social media person who photographs gay men in shaving-cream beards. What he really wants to do is grow plants. At the end of the film, he moves back home and opens a plant store.
Is there a wise, bawdy elderly person? Peter’s old, straight dad is very cool with him being gay, so cool that he can make jokes about Nick being a gay handyman.
Are Scottish people furious about this movie? Probably.
Does The Drew Barrymore Show exist within the universe of this movie? Because Coolidge is not playing herself, I have to imagine that Drew Barrymore is not herself either.
Do the leads have absolutely no chemistry and therefore it’s uncomfortable to watch them kiss at the end? Yeah. Nick deserves better.
Is there an inexplicable musical/dance break tacked on during the credits? Yes, featuring the guy from Old School, who sings, “I fuckin’ need you more than ever,†but this time playing Christmas songs at a local bar.
The Princess Switch 3: Romancing the Star
What “happens†in this movie? Three Vanessa Hudgens diverge in a wood. One is a queen, one is a baker, one is a mischievous scamp. Together they must save a precious royal artifact loaned from the Vatican that was stolen out from underneath them…before Christmas.
Does it take place in a fake European country? Yes. The Kingdom of Montenaro. In reality it was filmed in Romania (also fake).
Are there royals or journalists? Queen Margaret is a royal and she has the business suits to prove it. Stacy, the mere baker, has “Netflix journalist†energy, but is not actually a journalist (yet). Fiona has no job and might be a Communist.
Do people get mistaken for other people? The Princess Switch franchise rests its entire premise on the concept of “people getting mistaken for other people.†The series employs doppelgängers to ask difficult questions about identity, duty, friendship, family, and kidnapping for the right reasons.
What is the first line of the movie, and is it voice-over? “Once upon a time, there was a baker from Chicago. That’s me, Stacy.†Yes, this is voice-over.
What else do people say in a way that implies what they are saying is normal human speech but actually it’s not? “Sounds like a gas.†“My family is from the Philippines. We do hugs.â€
Is there subtle commentary on the gig economy? Subtly. It’s heavily implied that Margaret’s stepdaughter is taking finals during Christmas at her private ballet school. This is a capitalist critique.
Is there a glaringly obvious Chekhovian plot point introduced early on that otherwise has no right being in this movie — or any movie, for that matter? Margaret muses that she “hasn’t seen my aunt†in years, and later that aunt shows up.
Do the protagonists concoct an elaborate Christmas-related scheme that is clearly doomed? The entire movie is one long Christmas heist involving a stolen artifact, laser-based security systems, catwalking on roofs, and scamming a bunch of nuns. But the real Christmas-related scheme? Getting me to write about this movie twice.
What is everyone eating and drinking, and is it somehow confusing? The candy cane martini makes its second appearance in this film, this time as a coveted cocktail at a local billionaire’s bar and birthday party. It is brought up no fewer than three times. It looks radioactive in certain lights.
Does the castle inexplicably look like shit? This castle is better than Dun Dunbar but still extremely bad. It is lit like a Home Depot and perpetually appears just robbed.
Is this movie Vatican sponcon? Yes.
Do entire relationships take place over FaceTime or Skype? Margaret and her hot husband only speak to his daughter over FaceTime, who, again, is taking finals at ballet school during the holidays.
Is everyone dressed weirdly for no reason? I understand that there is a lot of purposefully intense styling happening in this franchise in order to make sure each Vanessa looks like her own iteration. But the way they dress Baker From Chicago Stacy — like she is very cold on the way to the gyno — should be illegal.
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Is someone an orphan, making it convenient for them to drop their entire lives during the holiday season? Fiona is sort of an orphan, until her mom apologizes to her profusely for going on vacation too much when Fiona was a baby.
Does someone have a job they hate but also a secret, weird passion that they decide to follow by the end of the movie? Fiona hates being imprisoned at a convent for almost kidnapping her cousin the queen. At the end of the movie she stops being imprisoned and gets to go to a party.
Is there a wise, bawdy elderly person? There is a recurring wise, bawdy elderly man who winks at Vanessa Hudgens a lot, implying he is magical and making her life fun.
Are Scottish people furious about this movie? No — there is no greenery in Montenaro aka Romania. It makes Scotland look really nice in comparison.
Does The Drew Barrymore Show exist within the universe of this movie? Vanessa Hudgens will inevitably play herself in the fourth installment of this film, which means Barrymore must be around somewhere, watching her.
Do the leads have absolutely no chemistry and therefore it’s uncomfortable to watch them kiss at the end? Almost all the pairings are horrendous to behold, except for Margaret and her hot husband, who have a nice make-out session that appears charged with real desire.
Is there an inexplicable musical/dance break tacked on during the credits? The whole cast does a choreographed dance in various spots around the castle, leading up to a reveal of the crew, who are heavily masked because the movie was filmed during an unprecedented global pandemic.