At the top of this week’s episode, Kyle grumbles that there are still 25 days left on charter. You and me both, babe. Watching Below Deck Mediterranean actually worsens my Sunday scaries, if you can believe it. This show is Boring with a capital B, and just like many before it (Vanderpump Rules, Southern Charm), Bravo needs to throw it overboard before it’s too late.
We’re on charter five, which features a Cool Mom, her daughter, and all her friends. Kyle calls them “the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants,†then one-ups himself by deeming them the “Gilmore Girls on steroids.†We figure out that a few of them attended Florida State University, and we can tell. I am grateful for 26-year-old Rachel and her Botox routine, because, same, and appreciate how these girls are like walking Reformation ads. One of them says they got lightheaded watching Twilight, and I’m choosing to believe they meant that complimentary.
One thing these sorority girls aren’t ready for? Steven, the name of Kyle’s infamous pink dildo that has already made numerous appearances onboard. Tasha teases Steven to the guests, referring to him as Kyle’s fun friend and promising to bring him out later in the evening. The guests even ask Kyle about him at lunch. Kyle, heartbroken over Frank, is not amused and tells Tash as much. He insists to Tash that Steven won’t pair well with this group, referring to them as a bunch of “11-year-old girls stuck in 22-year-old bodies,†but she doesn’t listen. His assessment is absolutely right by the way; these guests are far too prudish to play with Steven, and whipping him out will only make things awkward. Tash, who can’t be wrong, tells Kyle that the guests, in fact, asked for Steven, which makes no sense because the only reason they asked about him was because Tash introduced him as a concept … but moving on. Then, like always, Kyle states a universal wisdom and truth, which is that he can clock a person in 2.2 seconds, and these girls are not going to be happy with a puckered pink penis.
Lo and behold, Kyle is right. Tash presents Steven to the group and … crickets. Complete silence. Steven kills whatever vibe these girls had going on, and the night quickly ends.
Speaking of Tash, her on-again, off-again saga with her boyfriend continues. He’s blowing up her phone left and right, and we get a glimpse of her sending a message to her sister asking that she tell the boyfriend to stop contacting Tash. Triangulation alert!!
Dave is clearly still in love with her, and Natalya and Storm agree, but he is being quite mature about it. He’s working hard, staying in instead of going out, and turning out delicious after delicious dish. The exes (if we can call them that) seem to be getting on well. No passivity or drama … yet. I hope he stays this way for the rest of the season. I’m rooting for you, Dave!
Meanwhile, Jason still sucks, as in his overall attitude. He’s so negative and not fun at all. He can’t even polish the railings! Useless. Courtney rants about him in this episode, too, saying that she’s not surprised it has taken him over 35 years to learn not to be a dick. He brings this type of frat-bro energy that does not mesh well with the energies of Mzi, Courtney, and Storm. In his defense, though, I did not think he was channeling a cocky Brad Pitt when he was sent to fetch Storm and the guests from shore.
Let’s rewind: The guests crave a seaside cocktail hour. Storm still struggles with time management and delegation and goes out of radio range (Big mistake! Huge!). The sun is setting, fast, and Captain Sandy wants the guests back before dark. Since she can’t contact Storm, she sends Jason to bring them back. Jason pulls up on the Jet Ski and calls out to Storm, relaying Captain Sandy’s message, which Storm perceives as rude. I really didn’t think this was an issue at all. Storm is of the school of thought that Jason should have parked the Jet Ski, walked over to Storm, and delivered the message privately. I mean, yes, that’s probably better optics, but Storm’s overreaction here is a little dramatic.
Storm takes the guests back to the boat — and it is quite dark — and Captain Sandy tells him she wants to chat in the morning. I already know that this conversation will be totally calm and educational. Captain Sandy doesn’t want to come down on Storm; she wants to teach him. Bravo is trying to build up this moment simply because this season is such a snooze so far — and yet it fails.
And just as suspected, the next day Captain Sandy feeds Storm a compliment sandwich, reminding him that he can never be out of radio range since she likes to keep a line of sight on her team. Storm takes the feedback well, and we move on.
We end the episode with something happening with the anchors, but I’m honestly too bored to even pay attention. They’re crossed or something, and Storm dives in to untangle them. In his confessional, Jason says that what Storm is doing is dangerous and that he could even lose an arm, but I checked Instagram and Storm still has all his limbs. Bless Bravo for trying to end this episode on a cliffhanger, but it’s not working. I don’t even know if I’d keep watching if I weren’t paid to.