Friends, I ask you: How many times can a man say, “Trust me, okay?†before you conclude that he’s probably a demon in a human skin suit? What should we make of a man who announces that he prepared for a blind-dating show by training very hard at the gym and slathering on a new skin-care routine? And how the hell are we supposed to respond when he proposes to a kind, intelligent, spiritual woman only to say he *thinks* that he loves her? Yep, we must be back in the pods.
Because Netflix is determined to create a world in which someone, somewhere, is always dating while their producers watch, Love Is Blind: UK has debuted just one week after Love Is Blind: Mexico. So far, we’re playing all the usual hits, albeit a bit slower than usual. Our couples only make it to their honeymoon in Greece in the last 20 minutes, after a grueling three hours and 40 minutes in the pods. The silver lining is that British slang is 1,000 percent more charming than anything we’ve concocted here across the pond, so watching these gorgeous weirdos flirt at least feels educational. To borrow a charming turn of phrase, I rate that! Still, my inner teen is itching for drama. With only one exception, these couples seem too well adjusted to create the kind of chaos I crave. I’m crossing my fingers and manifesting a world where they’re less mature than they seem.
The only person who does not need such a prayer is Sam — a 31-year-old product designer and self-centered whiner who brings nothing to the table but empty platitudes and actual nonsense. Case in point: When asked what kind of life story he’d like to look back on at age 90, this is his exact response: “I think if I could put it into a book, it’d be a book that’d be one of the best books that someone could ever read because the chapters of that book would entail a love story of romance that would be so beautiful it would make you cry.â€
What. The. Actual. Fuck?
Sam seems to want women solely for the attention they can provide him and just can’t understand why none of them will ever “give him a chance.†He’s convinced it’s because he’s tall with a great nose job, but based on the four rancid hours I’ve now spent with him, I’m guessing it’s because he’s got reprehensible vibes. Which brings us to the most galling mystery of the season: How on earth does this preening man-child get engaged?
For a while, Sam is dating two women — 29-year-old mental-health nurse Jasmine and 29-year-old head of brand and marketing Nicole. Jasmine figures him out pretty quickly, telling him that she suspects he’s only telling her things she wants to hear. When he gets huffy at her, she tells producers she detected “immature vibes.†(And she doesn’t even see him throwing his wineglass after she lets him down gently for her chosen fiancé, 33-year-old Bobby.) Unfortunately, Nicole wants to see the best in Sam — even when her other guy, 33-year-old structural landscaper Benaiah, warns her that Sam is “not here for genuine reasons.†Get more specific, Benaiah!!! Maybe tell her about how Sam went and fretted to all of the guys about her passing joke that he might not be able to pick her up?
Alas, Nicole gets very little information, so she makes the worst possible choice and says “yes†to Sam, who promises he’s going to rock her world. It’s like an emotional train wreck in slow motion. And somehow, the face-to-face reveal goes even worse.
First, Sam walks up to Nicole and asks, “What do you think?†nodding up and down in an apparent invitation for her to check him out and faint at his feet. Sam seems to think it’s funny to joke that his fiancée’s eyes are “boring brown†before assuring her that she’s beautiful and worthy enough to do better than even him. But the most embarrassing part has nothing to do with what he does or says but what he doesn’t do. It turns out, he made Nicole put the ring on her own finger — and didn’t notice when she placed it on the wrong one. But hey, at least he says he thinks he loves her again. Oh, and for the record, he says “trust me†six times during this minutes-long meeting.
Nicole thankfully dumps this pomade-wearing clown before they fly to Greece, but it looks like we haven’t seen the last of him. In a season preview, Nicole tries to get back with Benaiah before Sam tells him that she went to his place with the intention of sleeping with him. Somehow, I’m having trouble believing that, but we’ll find out next week!
Sam might have the emotional intelligence of a rotting potato, but at least the other contestants more than make up for him. I’m absolutely obsessed with Freddie, an Adonis-like funeral director who gives off immaculate himbo energy. He’s got sensitive, thoughtful energy, and he cares deeply about his brother, who has Down syndrome. According to Freddie, his job has hampered his dating life, and maybe it’s just the emo girl in me, but I have to say, I don’t get why. Working in the death-care industry requires deep empathy, a calming presence, and a low level of squeamishness. Freddie’s new fiancée, a bubbly 29-year-old dental nurse named Catherine, is very lucky. Let’s just hope she sticks with him and doesn’t let her eye wander toward Ollie, whom she also liked in the pods but let go for her friend, Demi, whom Ollie ultimately picked. Hot undertaker summer, anyone?
Demi and Ollie feel like the kind of narrative Love Is Blind was built to produce. She’s a “sporty†woman who often finds herself in the friend zone, and he’s a swaggering sales guy with a great beard who dates “Instagram-hot†girls. She’s incredibly thoughtful and gave him a handmade card and a cake for his birthday, along with a love crystal, and being with her brings out his tender, supportive side as well. I was all in on these two, but based on the season previews, they seem the most likely to crash into the rocks during their Grecian honeymoon. It’s never a good sign when people get too in their heads about how they’re pacing their physical versus emotional relationship, and these two seem to be very in their heads from the moment they land in paradise. I’m praying for them, though!
One unexpected aphrodisiac this season? Grandparents! Steven and Sabrina bond over their mutual love for grandparents they’ve lost — Sabrina still wears her grandmother’s ring, and Steven says he’s worn his grandfather’s on every finger, while Freddie and Catherine nearly burst into tears when they realize they both have grandparents named Bill and Mary. (With names that rare, what are the odds?!)
But can we talk about how Steven and Sabrina have two of the most traumatic backstories of anyone in the cast? He was once in love with a girlfriend who developed a tumor and eventually broke up with him as she fought for her life (and eventually survived), and she was abandoned by her father only to find out that he was not her biological father and that her bio dad was actually from Italy and never wanted to assume parental responsibility. All I want is for these two to be happy, and they’re so damn cute together; I’d really love it if they wind up together forever. They’re also one of the oldest couples — Steven’s 37, and Sabrina’s 35 — which makes me root for them even harder.
Bobby and Jasmine are both gorgeous and boring, and honestly, I love them for that because they’re going to save me a lot of digital ink. They’re that friend couple who always shows up to your party with a bottle of red wine and one of those little cakes from the expensive grocery store. In other words, they’re solid as a rock so far, but we can revisit next week if they give off even one whiff of drama.
And finally, we have 30-year-old makeup artist Maria and 38-year-old PR and advertising consultant Tom, who have some of the best sexual chemistry I’ve ever seen, even through a wall. For a second, it looks like they’re going to be at odds when she says she’s down to be a more “traditional†wife and he says he doesn’t want a housewife, but once they clear up that misunderstanding (she mostly just wants to be around to watch their kids grow up), it seems like smooth sailing. Their playful energy is infectious, and I can only hope that it lasts — even when his pod ex, Natasha, comes back for the inevitable cocktail mixer. I have faith!
Pod GossÂ
• Tom and Maria win for cutest, most hilarious face-to-face proposal of all time because she smudges bright, bright, bright lipstick all over his mouth, where it remains as he delivers a very sincere proclamation of love.
• At one point, Ollie — who is 33 years old — makes a heart with his hands, and he does the Gen-Z heart, which tells me that he probably spends too much time on TikTok. At least, that’s what I’m telling myself because we’re the same age and watching him do that unnatural thing with his hands made me feel old.
• Bobby’s job is “luxury shopping guide,†and all I want to know now is how I get into that line of work. He better stick with that day job, though, because his rap alter ego “Bobby J†won’t sell out Wembley Stadium any time soon.