The Olympics are a spectacle, a tribute to human achievement, a periodic reminder of the biological magic of the body, all filled with powerful stories about competitors who have dedicated their lives to a single endeav— HOLY CRAP, ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING KAYAK CROSS?
Sorry for shouting there. It’s just all very exciting. Kayak Cross is a new event at the 2024 Olympics, a kind of mix between a ski slalom and white-water rafting and something you would see on one of the silly game shows that air on ABC in the summer where people risk bodily injury for small cash prizes. It is easily the most “should be narrated by a B-list comedian†event at the Olympics. People in the crowd at Vaires-sur-Marne Nautical Stadium should have airhorns. These are the highest compliments I know how to give.
The only things I know about Kayak Cross for certain after an hour or so of watching it are that I still am not sure what is happening and that it is the most compelling television I’ve seen in 2024. I … I’m not even sure there are rules? (Okay, there are rules, and here they are.) It’s pure chaos, all splashing and frantic swinging of paddles, with people crisscrossing and doubling back against the current and leaning under suspended bars at angles so severe it looks like they might topple into the water. It’s as much of a sport as it is something that would get a bunch of rowdy teens banned from the public pool. I mean, look at these maniacs.
I have watched that video three times. I can’t explain anything I saw with any degree of certainty. This decreases my excitement about it exactly zero percent.
Do you need more convincing? Was “a mess of wet chaos ending in a gold medal†not enough for you? Well, fine. Consider this: An Australian competitor named Noémie Fox eliminated her sister, Jess (who has already won two kayaking golds at these Olympics), in one heat and then powered straight through to a surprise win in the finals thanks to a perfectly executed Eskimo roll that propelled her past the favorites. Also, Noémie is coached by her boyfriend, Titouan Dupras, which adds another layer to the sibling rivalry that I am apparently now invested in. That could make for an awkward Thanksgiving dinner in the Fox household.
Or, wait. I suppose they don’t have Thanksgiving in Australia. I’ll go ahead and add that to the list of things I need to look up online, right after “What is an Eskimo roll?†and “How much do Kayak Cross competitors make?†and “Is there a professional Kayak Cross league?†and “Is there a Kayak Cross channel somewhere deep in my cable package?†and “Has anyone ever died doing Kayak Cross?â€
Lots to investigate here. Which is kind of what makes the Olympics so fun. Between Kayak Cross and Pommel-Horse Guy and the, uh, pole vault incident, I am learning so much about so many things I did not care about as recently as five days ago. Again, it’s a spectacle.