The big question that we were left with after last week’s episode is if Kourtney and Travis really got married in a spontaneous Las Vegas ceremony after the Grammys. Well, technically we’d only have that question if we lived under a rock — because right after it happened, the world quickly found out that it wasn’t actually legally binding. But let’s act surprised now that she’s telling us that on the show six months after the fact.
We’re told all about the ceremony as Kourtney and Travis get ready for a photo shoot they’re doing for Daring vegan chicken. Who could ask for a better honeymoon than that? Breaking the No. 1 rule of Vegas, their friend and vegan-chicken connoisseur Simon Huck asks, “Can we talk about Vegas? What happened?†Kourtney goes on to explain in a confessional that the whole thing was a spontaneous plan hatched over drunken vegan sushi at a strip mall, where all great plans are born. But she isn’t too much use to us in recounting the night, because her memory of it is understandably spotty. Instead, she pulls up a video of the ceremony to show Simon.
Now what I don’t understand is why we’re seeing this video secondhand rather than it being given directly to production so we can see it in all its glory? Alas, we have to look over their shoulders to see a worse-for-wear Elvis impersonator “marry†Travis and Kourtney, whom fake Elvis keeps mistakenly calling Khloé. (If Kourtney appeared on the show more, I bet the Elvis impersonator would remember her name — just saying.) It was a hot slob kabob affair, to quote Kourtney, and since it was 2 a.m., they were unable to secure a license to make it legally binding — meaning the real wedding is still on, which must be a huge relief to production and this vegan-chicken brand, which I imagine will handle catering.
After getting her stitches out and being assured she has great bone quality, Kris meets up with Kim, and the pair do some more debriefing of their own about Kravis’s wedding. Kim, for one, is unimpressed. “It wasn’t real,†she says, bringing up her own secret Vegas wedding. For her part, Kris says she would have been so disappointed if it had been legitimate and she missed it — obviously because it meant she wouldn’t be able to get her planned pre-wedding eye job.
They have this conversation as Kim prepares for her new Skims campaign, which she’s dubbing the Icons, featuring supermodels Alessandra Ambrosio, Candice Swanepoel, Heidi Klum, and hopefully Tyra Banks. Kim doesn’t yet know if she’ll be able to book Tyra for the campaign since she’s such a busy entrepreneur, and I can only assume she’s referencing Tyra’s ice cream company Smize Cream. What’s not mentioned is that, in the very first episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, Kim going to New York to appear on The Tyra Banks Show was a major plot point! Unfortunately, this full-circle moment goes unappreciated.
And speaking of going on talk shows, the whole family (minus Kylie, because apparently all six of these women are physically unable to be in the same place at the same time) is appearing on Jimmy Kimmel Live! to promote the launch of The Kardashians.
It’s somewhat interesting to see them doing press for the very show we’re watching, given that it’s something that we never really got to see on Keeping Up, but it doesn’t really go far enough to be gripping. I want to see their publicists. I want to see their entire team deciding which shows to go on, what questions will be off limits, what the talking points will be and why. I want to see all of the conversations their teams have about putting out various fires. We all know this family is a well-oiled machine, and while The Kardashians has been showing us the machine, it hasn’t yet shown us how it really works.
Instead we get Kris in her Mary Jo wig greeting Jimmy backstage, Khloé being nervous per usual, and Kim showing off her flowers from Pete while she has body makeup put on her midriff. “Congrats on your new show and season! I’m so incredibly happy for you and proud of you!! Love Aladdin,†the note reads, a reference to the sketch they did when Kim hosted. It’s still wild to me that Pete Davidson was playing Aladdin in the first place when there was literally a Middle Eastern cast member (Aristotle Athari) on the show at the time, but here we are.
After Kimmel, we return to Kim’s compound for Skims’ Icons shoot, and Kim, having gotten all four of her models of choice, is fangirling out. She’s telling Alessandra and Candice, the two models that I’m less familiar with because they were never on America’s Got Talent, a story about going to their Victoria’s Secret show in 2008, when they’re interrupted by North, who couldn’t care less about any of this.
But here’s one thing I know for sure: Heidi Klum and Tyra Banks are stars. From the moment they appear onscreen, I’m electrified. Right away, Tyra, a maven of the spoken word, starts raving about the toilet at Kim’s compound. “Girl, I used your toilet, it was good. The toilet was talking to me. I walked up to the toilet, it said, ‘Hi, Tyra.’ I was like, ‘Hey, what’s up?’ It was like, ‘Kim uses this.’ I’m like, ‘I know, I’m about to sit on Kim’s booty. Tyra’s booty’s gonna sit on Kim’s booty.’ I had a bath, I had a massage, it was wonderful.†This was some of the most compelling dialogue I’ve heard all season.
Meanwhile, Heidi is moving the story line right from the get-go, questioning why Kim won’t be in the shoot with them. Kim balks at the idea: Who, little ol’ me? Be in a Skims shoot? I could never! When Kim first posted the pictures and claimed that she really had no intention of hopping in, I doubted her. I was certain that crashing to shoot was always her plan, but seeing it play out, I actually might believe her. She has such reverence for these women that I don’t think she would have inserted herself in had Heidi not requested it. So while Kim’s getting ready for her close-up, Tyra and Heidi are back in the dressing room hamming it up for the cameras. “See, I get her to take her clothes off. I get Kim to take her clothes off. No worries,†Heidi says, as they plot to sandwich her from both sides to create a “Skimsome.â€
It’s the day of The Kardashians’ big premiere, and the family is getting a taste of what it’s like being in the Disney family at a lavish red-carpet affair with 200–300 of their closest friends. While Kim’s getting glam for the night, a godsent producer intent on making this show interesting if it kills her asks Kim who her plus-one is — and she confirms that it is Pete. That being said, he won’t be walking the carpet with her since it’s her thing, and while he might pop up here and there, he won’t be filming the show in any real capacity. “When the camera’s up for him, it’s like a skit or a role,†she says, and I could feel hundreds of UCB survivors shudder. Now we know why they broke up: Kim committed the cardinal sin of calling sketch comedy a “skit.â€
We cut to a confessional of Kylie, who tells us that it’s her first big red carpet since giving birth — but was it? Back when the premiere happened, there was a conspiracy theory that Kylie actually faked her attendance because she didn’t appear in any of the Getty Images of the event. Instead, all of the red-carpet photos of Kylie were solo shots taken by her own personal photographer, giving her full editing and veto power over exactly what images were released. The theory — that Kylie showed up late with her own photographer after the press pool left — holds up, because the only footage that we see of her at the entire event is brief cell-phone footage of her alone on the carpet.
There’s nothing really wrong with this little scheme, but trying to pull the wool over our eyes is a missed opportunity to delve into some really fascinating story line. Kylie has only vaguely alluded to feeling out of her comfort zone post-baby, but it would have been much more interesting to hear Kylie actually talk about it. She’s one of the most photographed and scrutinized women in the world, and understandably she’s going to great lengths to have control over her image during a very sensitive and vulnerable time. That conversation is far more compelling than trying to sweep it under the rug with an awkwardly shot fake-red-carpet appearance.
While we don’t see Kylie (or Kendall, who is sick), the premiere proves to be a parade of classic Kardashians side characters big and small: Cousin Cici, Faye Resnick, Malika and Khadijah, the Barker kids, Scott and the new girl he’s babysitting — all of whom make their way down the carpet and to a theater to watch the first episode on the big screen, as intended.
Breaking the fourth wall is one thing, but whatever this is is something totally different. This is inception. We are watching the Kardashians watch The Kardashians on The Kardashians. We’ve lost the thread. Next season, I demand a scene of them watching this episode to really send us into orbit. It’s worth it, though, even just to hear Khloé shout “LIAR†from the audience while a Tristan scene plays. It makes me think they should show episodes at movie theaters across the nation like interactive Rocky Horror screenings where we can shout out famous quotes and throw popcorn.