Two seasons in, viewers of The Kardashians are used to the little geographical title cards that tell us where in the world we are. Palm Springs, New York, Milan, etc. But something we never could have been prepared for was seeing one of those title cards read “Orlando, FL.†I thought surely there had been some kind of mistake — what could the Kardashians possibly be doing in Orlando? Was Kim planning on Photoshopping True into Disney World this time? But, of course, Orlando is the home of Ripley’s Believe It or Not and, therefore, the home of Marilyn Monroe’s famous dress.
Despite getting a firm no from Ripley’s after the dress initially wouldn’t fit, a phone call from Kris Jenner magically changed their mind. “I cannot tell you my secrets, but if somebody says no, you’re talking to the wrong person,†Kris says. In Kim’s recounting of the call, she was begging her mom to make it happen, offering to do anything: “I’ll pay for it. I’ll fly to Florida. I’ll do an appearance at Ripley’s.†And though Kris wasn’t about to let that happen, it would have brought me so much joy to have Kim harken back to the days of her early fame and do an appearance at Ripley’s Believe It or Not as if it was a Sugar Factory opening.
So thanks to Kris’s negotiating tact, Kim gets one more chance. If the dress fits, she’s going to the Met. They carefully raise the gown over her Skims shapewear like a snake shedding its skin in reverse since she can’t shimmy into it the way she normally would. Just when it looks as if they might have hit a wall (her butt), her hairstylist instructs her, “Kim push your ass.†Then he jumps in, somehow rearranging her butt cheeks, Skims, and the dress in a masterful maneuver that allows the dress to make its way over the obstacle.
“Oh my God, it fits,†Kim exclaims despite the gaping opening exposing her butt because the dress won’t technically zip over it. But “fits†is subjective. And that’s a manageable problem, aided by the fact that the dress already matches the color of her Skims. If you’re having trouble understanding just how historic and serious this moment is, allow me to note that this is all happening just beside a chicken-wire bust of Dame Edna.
Meanwhile, Kourtney and Travis are in the Orlando of Europe (Milan) for a fitting of their own at an institution slightly less prestigious than Ripley’s (Dolce & Gabbana). Kourtney, the calmest person who has ever lived, declares that she’s had an “abundance of caffeine†this morning in the most monotone voice imaginable. Kourtney could be on speed and she’d still be speaking at a rate of 15 words per minute.
Domenico Dolce enters to go over the details of their wedding plans, essentially taking on the role of Franck from Father of the Bride except less charmingly than Martin Short did. Take, for example, when he started complaining about the crazy new dietary fad of … people having allergies? Well, he picked the wrong couple for this because Travis is vegan, and there isn’t anything left that Kourtney hasn’t tried cutting out of her diet.
After looking through the event plans, Kravis splits up to try on their outfits. Kourtney is off to a grand ballroom–like hall with her gowns on display, while Travis’s suit is kept in some tiny side room that looks like an Old Navy fitting room in comparison. Kourtney tries on the dress piece by piece, and Domenico immediately starts performing surgery on it, snipping and sewing away, essentially, as Kourtney describes it, building the dress right on her. Once complete, she FaceTimes Kris to show her the finished product, but Corey answers and tells her that her mother is in the shower. This is an important enough moment to get your phone wet for, though, so suddenly we hear running water and the sound of Kris’s voice over the call. “I never thought I would be looking at you in a wedding dress naked in the shower.â€
After their fittings, Kourtney and Travis get dinner with their friends, and based on their interaction, you would’ve thought Kourtney was there with Reign rather than her adult fiancé. She explains the menu to him, orders his meal, and the cherry on top is him announcing, “Look, I ate all of it!†as if he wanted his certificate for the clean-plate club.
Back in L.A., we’ve got even more Met prep going on as Jeremy Scott preps Khloé for her first trip to the gala. “I have been invited in the past. I just opted not to go,†Khloé clarifies to the camera, trying her hardest to beat the “never been invited to the Met†allegations. This time, a very persuasive Kim convinced her to overcome her fear of red carpets and go.
This won’t only be Khloé’s first Met; it will also mark the first time all five sisters will be attending, thus answering the question I’ve been asking all season: What will it take to get these women in the same room together? The Met! Even though everybody is going above and beyond to bolster Khloé’s confidence, the event is still daunting. After all, it’s where Jason Derulo fell down those stairs.
Speaking of falling down the stairs, in comes Kris, whom Khloé is able to immediately identify as already being one vodka deep. A vodka that she’s earned after being in court all day for the Blac Chyna trial. “I am absolutely mentally, spiritually, physically tired. Tired from the trial. Tired from being in the courthouse everyday,†she says. But then one of the most shocking things to have ever happened on this program occurs: They show us the deeply unflattering courtroom sketches. I was certain they’d bury these or at the very least somehow attempt to Facetune them. But here they are in their gremlin glory — so rude you would think the artist was Blac Chyna herself.
Even though Kim officially fits into the dress, her intense exercise regime isn’t slowing down just yet — she’s putting on a sauna suit that’ll make her sweat for another workout. If the Marilyn dress didn’t work out, she should have just showed up in the sauna suit. We’ve seen far worse on the Met Gala red carpet. She can save that idea for next year. She compares this exhausting process to an actor who has to lose or gain weight for a role, saying that her role is Marilyn Monroe.
But before she can really get into the workout, she has to run off for the closing arguments of the case as a defendant but also as an aspiring attorney interested in watching them piece it all together. “This is my first real trial that I’ve seen, which is like the best law school you could imagine.†If true, I think Harvard Law should have a class where Blac Chyna sues each and every student.
So she cuts her Marilyn workout short to catch the end of her trial. To borrow from the binary established by Warner Huntington III in Legally Blonde, Kim is being both a Jackie and a Marilyn.
As jury deliberations continue, Khloé and Kris (dressed as a fuchsia Carmen San Diego) board Kylie Air to head to New York. Khloé, naturally, is a ball of nerves about both the Met and now the impending verdict, on edge that 12 random people are going to decide their fates. They also don’t understand what’s taking said 12 people so long to decide. Let’s remake 12 Angry Men but have it be about this.
As much as Kim Air and Kylie Air are beginning to feel like home away from home, I think it would be very funny if just once they flew commercial as a bit. Remember when Kris and Kylie went through a car wash and into a grocery store for fun? Like that, but have them fly coach. You’d get an entire episode out of it, I promise.
The whole family arrives in New York, and their Met prep is in full swing. Travis and Kourtney are essentially wearing a couples costume with Kourtney wearing the unfinished, deconstructed version of the polished, formal look Travis is sporting. Kylie has her snapback wedding-dress look ready to go. And Khloé is just eating an ice-cream cone while this is all going on because she’s the people’s princess.
Kim meanwhile is in the grueling process of dying her hair blonde while watching a documentary on Monroe to set the mood. Luckily, the Ana de Armas movie wasn’t out yet; otherwise, we’d surely be subjected to seeing clips of that secondhand. Kim’s hairstylist, Chris Appleton, says they took a week to dye it last time, and this time, they have two days. They’re gonna be so pissed when they find out about wigs.
God willing the expedited dye job doesn’t make Kim’s hair fall out, her unconventional Met Gala plan is very carefully coordinated. Rather than getting dressed in the hotel per usual, Kim has to leave for the Gala in a robe and change into the dress on the red carpet because it’s too delicate to sustain the car ride. There will be a changing tent for her to slip into, she’ll walk the carpet in it, and then, at the top of the carpet, she’ll slip out of it and put on the replica for the rest of the night. “So all of this is all for maybe ten minutes of my life just on the red carpet,†she says. But it’s also getting them half a season of reality-TV content.