When this season started, I was cautiously optimistic about the momentum behind the soft reboot: The women seemed ready to play, the newcomers had plenty going on in their lives worth examining, and Gizelle had apparently accepted the marching order to be a team player. Fifteen episodes in, however, I find myself at a bit of a loss as to how we are going to land the plane this season.
It goes without saying that the central tension revolves around the walking Bossip headline that is Mia Thornton. Is she with Inc or Gordon? Where are her children? Why is she even putting her children through this? The problem, however, is that relative to the amount of airtime this arc is taking up, the answers seem to be very cut-and-dry. Mia is in a shitty marriage and is intent on publicly punishing her ex for ratings; her kids do not deserve to be humiliated for entertainment, yet she remains in denial on the potential impact of a paternity debacle. For all of the shock and awe, the answer seems about as clear-cut as Karen’s DUI conviction.
When you eliminate Mia’s story, however, what do you have left? We already know that Karen’s DUI will not reach any version of a satisfying on-camera conclusion until next season, since she will not be at the reunion. Gizelle is sending her kids off to college and making sure their will and estates are taken care of. Keiarna makes her relationship with Greg sound about as compelling as a routine dental cleaning. Stacey couldn’t get me to care about her budding romance with TJ even if she went back on QVC and advertised it herself. The show is running so thin on compelling plot that we dedicated entire scenes to (1) Wendy’s flat tire and (2) speculating whether Karen is depressed or on Ozempic. (The answer, of course, is Ozempic, but Karen made sure to corroborate this in the most insufferable way possible, only admitting to taking “semaglutide” as a prediabetic — which is simply the active ingredient in Ozempic.)
In some ways, Ashley’s drag-king show represents the haphazard state of the Potomac in the final stretch of the season: a bit chaotic, disorganized, and with no real unifying theme except to come out on-camera and hope that it works out. Ashley slaps a Danny Zuko wig on her head, contours a five-o’clock shadow onto her jawline, and hopes for the best as she runs her petite frame around the stage, gyrating on anyone who will let her. The faces of Uncle Lump & Co. as their niece lip-syncs for her life are akin to the permanent expression that remains on my face as I watch another episode of this season: a bit perplexed as to what is happening and utterly confused at the planned outcome.
The plot is so lost that when we finally start to get some real traction in the pushback against Mia’s reign of terror, I am struggling to find enthusiasm for it. While I am ready for her to get her comeuppance, we have been at a slow simmer for so long that the dynamic finally boiling over just doesn’t seem satisfying. For all that we have endured, one brief scene where Karen and Gizelle confront Mia over the inconsistencies about when she knew her child’s paternity, the status of her divorce, and the particulars of her custodial relationship with Gordon barely whets my appetite. I need a proper showdown at the O.K. Corral for my troubles, and we simply aren’t there yet.
If I were forced to choose, probably the most compelling scene this week is when Gordon and Ray sit down and have a man-to-man conversation, which really indicates that the editors cobbled together this episode by scraping the bottom of the barrel for whatever leftover scenes were available. Gordon and Ray are relative agemates dealing with relatively parallel life circumstances: Not only are they men who are used to being the star of the show, forced to play background in their elder years as their partners become the main breadwinner, but they also both married younger divorcées and had to blend their families. If there are any two husbands that can bond over their shared circumstances, it would be them two; and, in fact, they do seem to speak in a bit of shorthand over their relative struggles. They are both married to partners who lack any sense of accountability, which is why they can successfully get under each other’s skin; Ray sheepishly admits that Karen has already bought a new car not long after totaling the last one on the road. Both Mia and Karen are known liars, and if anyone has knowledge on how a Housewife’s need to present a certain image can impact the family unit, it is Ray Huger.
In short order, we discover that Gordon’s side of the picture, unsurprisingly, does not align with Mia’s. It is important to note that he freely admits that his bipolar disorder has impacted their marriage in ways they need counseling for, and we should accept that, even if it doesn’t translate well on camera. His lingering issues aside, however, Mia has yet to be honest about the alleged multiple affairs, custody situation, or the timeline of the paternity test. Most concerning is Mia repeatedly indicating that she worries about Gordon with the kids, when he insists he has had them for the majority of their co-parenting relationship.
By the time Karen and Gizelle confront Mia with this information at the drag brunch, Mia is still refusing to clarify the details of her family situation, despite insisting that the women should be on her side. Instead, she deflects by shooting the messenger, reminding everyone that Karen is a drunk who has been accused of multiple affairs herself. Karen, however, is still riding on the delusions of a time before she was convicted and continues her attack on Mia undeterred. For all the buildup we’ve had, Gizelle calling Mia a liar while sporting another one of her hat abominations is surprisingly underwhelming. If we’re going to hold Mia to account, make sure she’s pinned in a way that she can’t wriggle out from at the reunion.
The chaos continues next week. See you all then!
Cherry Blossoms
• I have largely made my peace with the reality that Jacqueline just can’t help but be as cringe as humanly possible, but even I was astonished that she came on-camera in one of those cutout poster-girl bodysuits that you can get on Amazon for $20. Neither she nor Mia are doing a good job of selling people their “we’re sisters, not strippers” story line.
• For the most part, I have chalked up Stacey’s ditziness up to being an intentional character she’s playing, but her conversation about her divorce this episode left me genuinely stumped. She’s finally doing what she should have done long ago and sought out a lawyer for her split but is trying to reject legal advice and abandon a child-support claim under the conviction that her ex will always do the right thing — which is completely asinine, considering that 15 years ago she was convinced that she and her ex would always stay together. I am a proponent of listening to your gut, but not when it will leave you over a barrel when you need help the most.
• There’s a “breaking the fourth wall” moment happening across Housewives franchises where the women will discuss how some members of their family — in this case, Keiarna’s fiancé Greg — are not eager or interested to film, and the impact that it has on their relationship. This has regularly been a conversation with respect to casting, but I wonder why producers are choosing to bring this tension to the cameras; perhaps they are trying to get us off their back with respect to the fantasy lineups fans consistently plead for. It won’t work, but it’s a respectable effort.