Looking cool used to mean dressing well. Now, the eyes scanning your fit are peeking into your windows, too: What’s that coffee-table book? What temperature’s the lighting? Which Instagram model made that lumpy ceramic vase? Here, our hyperspecific judgments about what your home purchases say about who you are.
If you find it genuinely confusing when someone uses the word ugly as a pejorative …
… and don’t need to wear deodorant because you’ve chemically altered your body odor with herbal supplements … then you probably own:
If you are known within the Crumbl Cookies community …
… for review-bombing locations that don’t add enough white chocolate, dream of getting married at Disneyland Paris, and are still sending your friends BuzzFeed quizzes (you’re a Charlotte) … then you probably own:
If you sleep with mouth tape, in heatless curlers, wearing a half-inch of snail mucin,
… were voted “Most Ambitious” by your sorority, and just switched your house scent from Diptyque Baies to the Loewe Tomato Leaves candle (only magnums) … then you probably own:
If you publicly scoff at Bryan Johnson …
… but secretly bought his adaptogen ashwagandha supplements, copy Rick Owens’s workout routine, and are convinced your death will somehow involve gluten, seed oils, or polyester … then you probably own:
If you are in negotiations to poach Nancy Meyers’s set decorator,
… curate beautiful feasts and closely watch what everyone is eating, and give your hosts more special requests than a Mariah Carey rider … then you probably own:
If you go to the Sheep & Wool Festival in Rhinebeck …
… for business (not pleasure), mostly dress in tasteful linen trousers-and-jacket sets except on Halloween (when you wore a perfectly fitted Matrix jumpsuit), and think TikTok ruined the Piaule hotel … then you probably own:
If you speak in an ASMR voice …
… in real life, add vinyl scratches to your Spotify playlists to make them sound more lo-fi when you have a party, and your Raya profile describes you as a “creative director” … then you probably own:
If you have a house that’s been the site of five weddings,
… two separations, and the genesis of one throuple, borrowed money from your ex-husband for pool repairs but used it to buy a rose-gold Bentley, and have never turned this oven on … then you probably own:
If you keep a password-protected spreadsheet of your ongoing feuds …
… and, since quitting smoking last year, constantly suck on a cucumber-habañero-flavored vape … then you probably own:
If you want to get your children into skateboarding and classic rock, but all they care about is Sabrina Carpenter,
… asked your lawyer to change the font of your last will and testament to Helvetica, and have made a replica of the Burj Khalifa out of LEGOs … then you probably own:
If you have worn an outfit to a party that didn’t fit through the door,
… are crowdsourcing aphorisms like Benjamin Franklin (for a manuscript that exists primarily in your Notes app), and say things you’ve told strangers in bathrooms have changed their lives … then you probably own:
If you have a running list of the “most aesthetic” restaurants,
… which all look roughly the same but serve food of wildly varied quality, have tried to limewash your walls but couldn’t get the brushstrokes to look organic, and shattered your blush Estelle Champagne coupe when someone mistook this rug for the knockoff … then you probably own:
If you have your gut microbiome resequenced weekly,
… got your 8-year-old a session with a life coach as a birthday gift, and added a Himalayan-salt-cave panic room when you redid your basement … then you probably own:
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