Spoilers for season three of The Traitors (U.S.) ahead! Consider yourself warned!
Have you guys ever been vacuuming and accidentally sucked up a nickel into the bristles of your knockoff Dyson? That’s what watching episode nine of The Traitors felt like. The chaos was palpable. And you know what, I think the stress of Faithfuls turning on one another and letting the Traitors use them all day long is negatively affecting every last one of these players. I see it in the lack of pizzazz in most of their outfits now, although there is an argument to be made that the best-dressed and loudest (both sartorially and physically) players are the ones ousted first. But that’s an essay for another time …
This week, Alan Cumming had to call in outside fashion reinforcements in the forms of Traitors vets Parvati Shallow and Kate Chastain, who both showed up in snatched corseted gowns exploding with tulle and taffeta, paired with tiaras. Even Alan, who has been putting the pedal to the metal since day one, had to up the ante! He showed up to this episode’s taping wearing one of everything: a skort, but also pants, a tunic, and a blazer. It also seems he had to travel a bit for grooming this episode (the lengths our king will go to provide for us!) to visit his barber, who relocated to Whoville after becoming the dad that stepped up to Cindy-Lou Who. Alan’s tiny little wisp of hair looked like nothing more than an anteater’s tongue, but it was carrying the weight of our world. Later, he gave his wisp a moment backstage while he covered it up with a headband made of chess pieces. Maybe my boyfriend will pay more attention to me instead of Chess.com if I start rocking hair like this …
I also have to give credit to Gabby Windey, who is carrying the entire team on her back, fashion-wise. She showed up in the morning in her Breakfast at Tiffany’s cosplay: a little silk dress, stacked pearl choker, hair coiffed, ready to serve and scarf down some smoked salmon. Every girl’s dream. Meanwhile, the rest of her castmates are attending breakfast in their “these are the medium-tier clothes I keep stacked on the chair in the corner of my room” best. I say this as someone who, at the time of writing, is wearing clothes from that purgatorial space — folded, but not put away, worn once indoors, but not dirty. Honestly, I have nothing but respect for people like Britney Haynes, who tells Parvati and Kate (remember, both in gowns) not to judge her hoodie-and-jeans combo during the challenge. That’s so real. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said that.
As for the rest of you? Step it up. Here’s where you fall in this week’s fashion rankings:
Very Faithful: I hate to say it, but Danielle Reyes. In this outfit, she’s kind of giving Pixar lamp: biiiiiig head adornment, skinny tight pants. I only have to assume she’s not expecting to be running or climbing stairs because her massive hat is visibly not stable, as exemplified by its incessant bobbling during her theatrics post-roundtable.
Faithful: Tom Sandoval is still leaning into the dark-academia look, desperately trying to signal he has seen Dead Poets Society, and yes, it affected him deeply!
Traitorous: I’m once again sorry to say, Carolyn, that leather studded jacket looks dangerous. You’ve grown on me, you blonde chaos caboose, but facts are facts.
Very Traitorous: Dylan. Wearing a leather VEST (sunglasses tucked into the front pocket, btw) is absolutely insane and untrustworthy behavior. I’m fearful!!!
Honorable mention to Lala: Week in and week out, she shows up ON THEME.
[Editor’s note: We’ll be talking about the most outrageous outfits every episode this season, so tune back for more. And as far as photos go, we are giving you as many images as Daddy NBC will let us have. We will grovel for more in the coming weeks.]