The World Health Organization’s public-health arm caused widespread despair on the internet yesterday when it declared that processed meats like bacon cause cancer. While levelheaded people have pointed out that the WHO classifies carcinogens based on the strength of the scientific evidence that they can cause cancer, not the relative risk that they’ll actually cause it — which, in the case of processed meat, is very small — others are promoting anti-bacon hysteria. I will not stand for this nonsense. Not only is it inaccurate, but a life without bacon would be bleak and joyless. Here are ten reasons why this cured meat will always be worth eating.
Breakfast Sandwiches
Consider the classic bagel order: bacon, egg, and cheese. What else rolls off the tongue so easily? Nothing. It is the only reason to get out of bed and enter the world.
The Soundtrack of Bacon
The slurp as you peel one slice off another; the crackle of fat frying in the pan; the crunch of the first bite — these must be the sweet sounds one hears when entering the pearly gates.
Cocktail Hours
Weddings turn love into a commercialized institution, but a passed tray of bacon-wrapped scallops reminds us that love can be real.
Late-Night Rations
Because when you wake up Sunday morning, brutally hung-over, your mouth might taste like regret, but it will also taste like the bacon-wrapped hot dog you ate at 4 a.m. — the flavor of hope.
Pork Buns
Is a life without pork belly in a steamed bun worth living? It is not.
Entertaining
Wrapping anything in bacon (figs, melon, asparagus) disguises the fact that you’ll never come close to Martha Stewart’s domestic prowess. Without it, you’d be faced with your own shortcomings.
Diners
When you’re at a chrome-wrapped establishment of unknown quality, you can always trust the BLT — a way to find order in a world of constant chaos.
The Existence of Baconarians
Scientists have found that the smell is so tempting that even vegetarians make exceptions for it. If they can’t resist, why should we?
Brunch
Unlike those stuffy, veggie-heavy meals lunch and dinner, at this one it is acceptable — nay, encouraged — to order a side of bacon.
Cobb Salads
Avocado and blue cheese are delicious on their own, but bacon is the tie that binds these flavors together. Without it, the Cobb (and you) would be utterly lost.