In this day and age, if you’re looking to spend $60-plus dollars on a rock, you have to act fast.
After Nordstrom’s $85 leather rock pouch flew off the shelves back in December, the public’s insatiable appetite for overpriced minerals has continued apace. Goop’s $66 coveted jade vagina eggs — intended to “increase chi, orgasms, vaginal muscle tone, hormonal balance, and feminine energy in general” — have now also sold out online, despite multiple experts stating unequivocally that you should not put rocks in your vagina.
But if you insist on trying the trend, we’ve compiled some worthy alternatives:*
*Under no circumstances should you actually use these.
Kinder Eggs
Do Gwyneth Paltrow’s eggs come with a tiny plastic toy inside? We didn’t think so.
An Avocado
Bonus: You can repurpose for avocado toast later.
EOS Lip Balm
You know how you’re always losing your lip balm? At least now you’ll know exactly where it is.
Beauty Blender Makeup Sponge
Even more useful than we initially thought.
Fabergé Egg
The Rolls Royce of Kegel exercise tools.
Tamagotchi
Also the best way to keep your tamogatchi alive.
Weebles
Weebles wobble, but they don’t fall down — or out.
Bar of Dove Soap
Think of the inspiring ad campaigns.
The Gherkin in London
For ambitious vaginas.
Actual Egg
Comes in packs of six or twelve.