The world is changed. I feel it in the water. I feel it in the earth. I smell it in the air. Much that once was is lost; for none now live who remember it.
It began with the naming of Big Dick Energy: some was given to Pete Davidson, who exudes phallic power despite being gangly as hell and having a background in improv comedy. Some to the Paul Giamatti; just look at him, I don’t have to explain myself. And some … some BDE was gifted to some of the fictional characters who inhabit the Lord of the Rings, especially Aragorn (very sexy). Within his energy was bound the strength and will to stride through the world like you have a big dick swinging around.
Here now, the official list:
Aragorn: Duh, and so does Viggo Mortensen, always.
Frodo: Nope.
Sam: TDE (Tiny Dick Energy), perhaps the least dick energy of any person fictional or real.
Merry: No.
Pippin: Yes … have u bitches heard “Pippin’s Song.”
Gandalf the Grey: No.
Gandalf the White: Yes.
Boromir: Yes.
Legolas: No.
Gimli: Somehow no … but he has Wide Dick Energy.
Arwen: No.
Smeagol: Yes.
Gollum: No.
Éowyn: No.
Elrond: Yes.
Galadriel: Has it, like almost all Cate Blanchett characters.
Faramir: No.
Sauron: Yes.
Saruman: Wishes he had it.
Bilbo: Yes.
The Balrog: HAS IT.
Denethor: Definitely not.
Théoden: When possessed, no. Otherwise, yes.
Shelob: Yes.
The Witch-king of Angmar: Ya.
The Rest of the Nazgûl: No.
Éomer: No.
Gríma Wormtongue: No.
Treebeard: Yes. Next question …
Thank you, as always, for tuning into the Cut’s unofficial Lord of the Rings vertical. See you the next time we can find a tenuous news peg!