As our children’s children will study in their virtual-reality history books, the family Kardashian-Jenner-Disick-West-Webster-Thompson have made it their lives’ work to keep us entertained. Not only do Kris Jenner and her kin keep the infrastructure of Calabasas alive by buying up properties and investing in boxes of sushi and salads larger than a newborn baby, they also make sure that by the end of every gruesome year, we have almost as many stories to swap as Kris Jenner has grandchildren.
This year, the family’s news has both rocked us to our rotten cores and kept us glued to our phones and computers. From the birth of babies to pizza-based legal troubles, these people have never failed us. Let’s take a look back in the year of Calabasas’ first and only family (that matters) to remember how far we’ve come, and lick our overfilled lips in anticipation of what tasty tales this family will bring in 2019.
(Note: Some dates match the day an event occurred, while others indicate the date we learned of it.)
JANUARY: BABY TIME
January 15, 2018
This was the year of babies for the KarJenDisWesThomSters (Kardashian-Jenner-Disick-West-Thompson-Webster), so it’s fitting that the first big piece of news in 2018 was the birth of Chicago West. Born via surrogate on January 15, 2018, Kim and Kanye welcomed their third child and second daughter to the world. Following the family’s tradition, Chicago is impossibly cute.
FEBRUARY: ANOTHER BABY!
February 4, 2018
On what was perhaps the most exciting day this year, Kylie Jenner told the Super Bowl to step aside because she had an announcement to make. Just hours before the world’s most famous game of pigskin, Kylie released a lengthy statement and video announcing the birth of her first child, Stormi Webster (whose name fans had to wait two more days to learn), born on February 1. After months of speculation but no confirmation from Kylie or any other family member, the birth news wasn’t all that surprising. It was, however, insanely exciting. In the video, titled “To Our Daughter,” Kylie showed exclusive bits and pieces from her previous nine months. We got to see her bump, her doctor’s visits, and her fast-food cravings. Kylie, we thank you for this gift that kept us going all year long!
MARCH: SOCIAL CONSCIOUSNESS
March 16, 2018
Kris Jenner, her family, and Noah Centineo all helped to save a community center in Los Angeles. Together, they raised funds and gathered donations from large brands like Apple and Adidas to make sure the Watts Empowerment Center could maintain its place as a safe haven for youth in the neighborhood. The family raised money through a celebrity baseball game, and Noah Centineo made a very brief appearance (which is not to say that can’t go a long way).
March 24, 2018
In late March, Kim Kardashian West and Kanye West attended the March for Our Lives Rally in Washington, D.C., with North West. Marching to end gun violence, Kim posted on social media that she hoped her daughter North, 4 at the time, would remember this day for the rest of her life.
APRIL: SEVERAL TRUTHS EMERGE
April 10, 2018
It was just this spring that we learned Khloé Kardashian’s baby’s father, Tristan Thompson, Devil (TTD), wasn’t keeping a damn thing in his basketball shorts. Despite his relationship with Khloé being fairly new — they started dating in 2016 and Khloé got pregnant in the summer of 2017 — Tristan had already ingratiated himself with Khloé’s fans. I’ll speak on behalf of all of us and say that we thought she’d found a cute, young, and stable gentleman, one she could bring home to Calabasas once she was done playing house in Ohio. (By March 2017, Khloé practically lived in Cleveland during Tristan’s basketball season.) It seemed right, but, oh, were we wrong. We even decided to overlook a major clue as to who Tristan truly was, which I’ll get to below.
If this weren’t already terrible enough, news of Tristan’s infidelities emerged just one day before Khloé went into labor with her first child (his second). And here’s what Khloé fans were overlooking: Tristan allegedly cheated on the mother of his first child while she was pregnant (Khloé denies this). Despite the news, Khloé allowed TTD to be in the delivery room with her, and even stayed in Cleveland until June. Months later, Khloé seems to still be with this man, but she has gorgeous hair and appears to be enjoying new motherhood.
April 12, 2018
In brightest Khloé Kardashian news, Khloé gave birth to the purest bundle of baby joy, True Thompson. Born on April 12, 2018, True is clearly Khloé’s world. It is not a lie to say that Khloé has one of this county’s cutest babies.
April 13, 2018
Kendall Jenner made (potential) history in April by being one of the first models to become embroiled in a lawsuit involving pizza. The model and her friend DJ Daniel Chetrit debuted their Beats 1 Radio show, called Pizza Boys, on April 13. Unfortunately, Kendall and DJ Daniel Chetrit either didn’t know or didn’t care that the Pizza Boys name was already being used by Pizzaboyzzz, an L.A.-based art collective that sells pizza-themed merch. Pizzaboyzzz issued a cease and desist on April 16, then went to the press later in the month, warning Kendall and her co-host that they would sue. But all of that fell on pizza-clogged ears, so Pizzaboyzzz officially sued Kendall and her show on May 3.
April 15, 2018
In mid-April, Kanye West’s current Twitter era began. The rapper and fashion designer tweeted about “the existing consciousness” and “people who can shift the consciousness;” Lamar Odom; his support for Trump; new music; self-help books; screenshots of various text messages from famous friends; and more.
MAY: GETTING POLITICAL
May 30, 2018
Kim Kardashian West dipped her toes into politics when she met with “President” Donald Trump earlier this year. Kim — who voted for Hillary (after waffling between the two candidates), but married a MAGA supporter — was heavily criticized for taking a meeting with Trump. Still, it’s hard to argue with her intentions: Apparently, Kim read a story about Alice Marie Johnson, a woman who’d been serving a life sentence since 1993 for a nonviolent crime, and made it her mission to get her out of jail.
And she did. Trump granted Johnson clemency in early June.
JUNE: A WEDDING
June 2, 2018
In between finding his way out of The Hills, Brody Jenner, brother to Kylie and Kendall, got married in Bali! And, no one cared. (Or, at least no one we cared about cared.) Brody told People his own parent Caitlyn Jenner couldn’t make it to the wedding because she had prior “work commitments,” while his sisters Kylie and Kendall couldn’t make it because … they never RSVP’d. Whoops!
JULY: A COVER
July 11, 2018
In July, new mom Kylie Jenner appeared on the cover of Forbes. Labeled a “self-made billionaire,” the daughter of one of America’s most famous families stirred up quite the privilege shitstorm online. People came for Stormi’s mother, asserting that she’s the exact opposite of self-made considering she was born into a rich family and has been famous for over half her life. All of this didn’t matter to the family because she created lip kits!!!!!
Kim Kardashian West told Refinery29, “I really didn’t get it, because she is ‘self-made’ … What, because we came from a family that has had success? To me, that doesn’t really make sense.” Kim continued to defend her sister, and herself, adding, “Me, Kylie, not one [of the siblings] has ever depended on our parents for anything besides advice,” she said. “That’s how I lived my life with my dad [Robert Kardashian]. He never gave me anything. We might have the opportunity, but I’ve seen it go the complete opposite way. Nobody works harder than my sisters and my mom.”
AUGUST: ENDINGS AND NEW BEGINNINGS
August 7, 2018
In an unsurprising twist, Kourtney’s and her boyfriend of almost two years, Younes Bendjima, proved he couldn’t hang and deal with her Instagram aesthetic, and their relationship officially ended in early August. Despite traveling the world with one another and looking into the distance with a despondent glare, the young couple just couldn’t make it work.
August 9, 2018
Aside from Kylie Jenner becoming a mom, nothing’s been more shocking than realizing that one’s been alive long enough to see a 10-year-old Kylie swing from a stripper pole in her parents’ room to see that same young girl, now a mother herself, turn 21 (at least to me!). A neon nirvana, Kylie hosted her family, closest friends, their closest friends, and her laser technicians to ring in this blessed year. In the grand tradition of most 21st birthday parties (or just mine?), one of her friends ended up in the hospital with alcohol poisoning.
August 17, 2018
Kendall Jenner made herself enemy No. 1 in the model community when she told Love Magazine about how selective she is when it comes to picking fashion shows. “Since the beginning we’ve been super selective about what shows I would do. I was never one of those girls who would do, like, 30 shows a season or whatever the fuck those girls do. More power to ’em.” This of course didn’t sit well with the many models who weren’t famous before they took on the job. After the criticism for her comments, Kendall’s rep told “Page Six,” “She realized the number of shows some models walk a season is closer to 80. The point was that it’s their path and ‘the more power to them.’ She admires their hard work and dedication. It’s an accomplishment.”
August 20, 2018
Typically the only beef you want to have between yourself and a child is a McDonald’s cheeseburger, but in August this was not the case for Nicki Minaj, who became angry with young parents Kylie Jenner and Travis Scott. Nicki first pointed out that Travis started selling new merchandise for his album Astroworld just days before her Queen album release — she felt Travis’s merch kicked up his sales, earning him the No. 1 spot on the Billboard charts and stealing attention from her work. Then she accused Kylie of using Stormi on social media to promote Travis Scott. On Nicki’s radio show, she only jokingly laughed off the thought of herself and a child having “beef.” She said, “I love Kylie, I love Kim. I actually love all of them. I know that you guys are saying me and Baby Stormi have beef [laughs]. Yes we do. Now, this is what the fuck is happening today. Me against baby Stormi. We have this rivalry now. I’m going to start from scratch.”
SEPTEMBER: DIVORCE, MILK, AND MODELING
September 10, 2018
Brandon Jenner, best known for being Kylie and Kendall’s half brother, split from wife Leah Jenner. If we take social media as evidence, we can conclude that Brandon seems to be Kylie’s favorite brother: She’s posted about his music on her Instagram, saying he has “the biggest heart,” and likes the occasional photo of his (and vice versa). On Mother’s Day, Caitlyn Jenner posted a photo of Kylie with Brandon and her eldest brother, Burt Jenner, on her Instagram page. While Kylie doesn’t look as cheery as her siblings, her body is angled more toward Brandon.
September 19, 2018
Mogul Kylie Jenner tweeted that she’d just eaten cereal with milk for the first time ever. (The soon-to-be billionaire called her Cinnamon Toast Crunch and milk experience “life changing.”) The thing is, a fan with the memory of an elephant quickly recalled that Kylie had posted a photo of herself enjoying a bowl of milk and cereal for her health in 2013. What’s the truth, Ms. Jenner? We’d love to know.
September 22. 2018
Already trying to usurp Auntie Kendall’s catwalking checks, North West made her runway debut. Her walk could use a bit of work, but I’ll let it pass since she’s been walking for four years, max.
OCTOBER: VACATION AND VICTORIA’S SECRET
October 22, 2018
For a week, the Kardashian sisters, their children, and Scott Disick stowed away to Bali for some family fun. True and Chicago learned how to effortlessly pose with one another, while Scott and Kourtney continued to threaten Lenny Kravitz and Lisa Bonet’s No. 1 position as Hollywood’s most functional nontraditional family. (Though they probably have a long ways to go before their significant others are wearing matching rings in solidarity, much like Lenny Kravitz and Lisa Bonet’s current husband, Jason Momoa.)
October 31, 2018
For Halloween, Victoria’s Secret kindly allowed the Kardashian and Jenner sisters to borrow some throwback fashion show looks. Each woman wore their very own couture set of bra, panties, wings and, uh, playsuits, as some sort of heavy-handed backdoor advertising for the brand. Oddly, the sisters didn’t seem to wear the costumes outside of Kim Kardashian West’s gates, but they did manage to get over 43 million combined likes for their photos on Instagram. Victoria’s Secret should have stopped there, because that’s about 40 million more people than tuned into the actual VS Fashion show.
NOVEMBER: DISPLAYS OF WEALTH
November 9, 2018
The Kardashians were among the thousands of people in Southern California and Malibu who were affected by the devastating Woolsey wildfires. While everyone in the KarJenner family was able to safely evacuate, others weren’t so lucky: The worst Los Angeles wildfire in modern history resulted in the death of six people. Controversially, Kim and Kanye hired private firefighters for their homes and their neighbors’ homes.
November 26, 2018
Because they can, Kim Kardashian West and Kanye West chartered a Boeing 747 airplane as their private mode of transportation from California to Japan. The plane can allegedly fit 660 people, yet Kim and Kanye traveled with just their personal trainer and some flight staff. With such a small crew and such an exorbitant showing of wealth, the couple of course faced backlash for their travel choices. I’ll let you guess if they cared about the backlash or not. (Hint: The answer is no!)
November 30, 2018
No matter what’s happening with her family, Kris Jenner remains a business maverick by quietly expanding her personal brand. Finally realizing that 100 percent of one’s money is better than six 10 percent paychecks from her kids’ earnings, she’s been branching out into the television and music video sphere. This month alone, future EGOT winner Kristen Kardashian Jenner has finally allowed us the privilege of seeing her acting muscle. First, Kris appeared in A Legendary Christmas alongside John Legend and Chrissy Teigen, and second, in Ariana Grande’s Tour de Pop Music video for “Thank U, Next.” You’re doing amazing, sweetie.
DECEMBER: ALL THINGS MUST END
December 19, 2019
Since 2015, we’ve been able to keep up with the Kardashian-Jenner on our TV screens, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, gossip sites, and their personal smartphone applications. In the beginning, for just $2.99 a month, you could see how Kourtney ate a Kit-Kat, how Kylie Jenner turned “realizing things” into a New Year’s resolution, what Kim wore for one month, or what headbands Khloé bought for True on Amazon. Sadly (or happily, for my bank account), this is now coming to an end. Though Kendall shut down her app last year, the remaining sisters stayed committed to posting nonsensical “exclusive” content for their fans. But on December 17, Kim, Khloé, and Kylie updated their apps with the following:
We’ve had an incredible experience connecting with all of you through our apps these past few years but have made the difficult decision to no longer continue updating in 2019. We truly hope you’ve enjoyed this journey as much as we have, and we look forward to what’s ahead.
While Kourtney went a bit more personal:
Thank you so much for being a part of this journey. Although my app is coming to an end, I am so excited to show you what’s in store for 2019. Make sure to follow me on Instagram to stay updated. I look forward to keeping in touch!
Though we may have to wait until 2019 to figure out just “what’s in store for [Kourtney in] 2019,” I already know I look forward to freeing up at least 1GB of space on my phone.
HONORARY MENTIONS
Kanye West rapped about “smashing” his wife’s sisters.
Kim Kardashian West became a meme, twice!
Kris Jenner, Kim Kardashian West, and North West all starred in a Fendi campaign together.
Kourtney Kardashian took more vacation days than a rich retiree. This summer, she spent almost 20 days in Italy. She’d already been on over 10 vacations by then.
Scott Disick and Sofia Richie briefly broke up.
Kanye West went to Wyoming and brought along anyone willing to come.
Kanye West said slavery was a choice.
Kim Kardashian West got braids.