Think carefully: How many closets do you have in your home? And how many of those have been delegated to you, specifically? I myself have just the one closet; a narrow affair approximately the size of 1.5 gym lockers. Overburdened by nature of being the only closet, it is forced to hold everything I cram inside it, and to do so without complaint. My closet probably wishes I were a celebrity, so that it could have three to six siblings to share the load. Better still, that I were a Kardashian, and that it could just hold shapewear.
The Kardashians, you see, have an estimated 43 closets between them (I’m very bad at math so don’t bother checking that figure), each and every one assigned its own specific purpose. The closet to the left, for example: That’s Khloé Kardashian’s “glam room,” which is to say, her wig closet. A cabinet full of hair so expertly organized it earned its own People headline. You look at this closet long enough, and it begins to look back; shiny sequin eyes winking at you, two tendrils curling out to part the wig wall. “Do you want to play a game?” asks an unfamiliar, auto-tuned voice inside your head, as the tendrils beckon you into — what’s this — another closet. This is Kardashian Narnia, and I can’t promise you’ll come back from it.
Khloé Kardashian’s Workout Closet
“Most people probably don’t have a fitness closet,” Khloé once acknowledged in a video tour of her exercise wardrobe room. “But I don’t have a husband, so I have an extra closet!” A closet that is chromatically catalogued, from tops to leggings to sweatbands to sports shoes. But be careful when you open the accessories drawer, it’s a trap! That drops you directly into …
Kylie Jenner’s Purse Closet
A mirrored cupboard stacked floor to ceiling with designer handbags, which the beauty mogul did “all custom so they all could have like a little home, and be lit up really pretty.” The purses appear to be organized by designer — an Hermès shelf, which includes a minibag Kendall purportedly intends to lend to Stormi, whenever the toddler declares herself ready for purse-carrying; a Louis Vuitton shelf, featuring the design Kris Jenner gifted Kylie and Kendall when they were “superbabies” (also earmarked for Stormi) — and if you make the mistake of looking that gray one straight in the eyes, you’ll find yourself plunged into …
Kim Kardashian’s $10 Million Closet
It’s now 2017, and Kim Kardashian is taking you on a very quiet tour of her fastidiously organized $10 million closet. Shhhhhh, look at the “Elton John dress,” the “‘cover of Vogue’ dress,” all meticulously labeled according to occasion worn, and all described to you in an ASMR whisper. Don’t get too comfortable, or you’ll tumble backward into the Louboutins and find yourself lost inside …
Kris Jenner’s Multiroom Closet
The “Momager’s” closet is larger than your one-bedroom apartment, segmented by product type and use. To your left, the handbag lounge; in the center, accessory island; through that door, that’s where the shoes and the tracksuits hang out. “This is 62 years of collecting,” Kris notes in the above video, as if to justify the dizzying excess contained within her personal department store. Be careful, though, because if you take a wrong turn by the Gucci sweats, you could find yourself locked inside …
Kim Kardashian’s Milk Closet
This is the most heinous Kardashian closet of all, punishingly cold and stocked solely with milk. Different types of milk, okay, but I am not sure oat and (evil) almond are enough to absolve this closet. The only bright spot here is your proximity to Kim’s climate-controlled food closet, where I suspect you can live comfortably — and possibly also undetected — well into the apocalypse. No complaining: You chose to play the game and you either get to live here or Scott Disick’s desert boot closet, I don’t make the rules.