If you’ve watched The Crown, you’ll know that Queen Elizabeth (Olivia Coleman) gives truly terrible advice. It’s incredible how consistent she is. No matter what the issue is — transnational terrorism, cheating scandals, addiction — she pulls from the same grab bag of royal tips: Take a good brisk walk, sleep on it, and the dreaded: “these things pass.”
This season, with conflict mounting on all sides, her attempts to offer counsel feel particularly ridiculous. Case in point: When she gently informs her daughter Princess Anne (Erin Doherty) that she knows about her affair with commander so-and-so, and will be forcibly ending it by relocating him to a different, colder part of England. Anne begs her not to, breaking down in uncharacteristic tears. The Queen assures her that she’ll be happy again in time, “if you’re patient.”
“Is that it? Is that the advice?” Anne responds, dumbfounded. “Well, these things usually pass if you have the patience to wait,” the Queen reiterates, with the world’s most annoying smile. Anne then launches into a devastating monologue about the anger and blackness that has poisoned her life. “I just want to smash it all up,” she hisses, to which the Queen responds, mildly: “Well, that will pass too.”
I like to imagine the Queen running an advice column, where people can write in like, “Dear Queen, I lost my job in the pandemic and I’m stuck in quarantine with my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend who he met on Twitch.” And she replies: “Dear reader: To do nothing is often the best course of action, but I know from personal experience how frustrating it can be. Have you tried going for a walk?”