Spoilers ahead for the first episode of HBO Max’s Gossip Girl reboot. (The main spoiler being “everyone is hot.”) XOXO
Gossip Girl is back and with it returns the question I was left with when the first series ended: Could you even fathom being this hot in high school? What would you do? What would you not do? What terrible things would you try to get away with, your only alibi being, “I mean … look at me”?
We learned a lot in the premiere episode of the Gossip Girl revival: who will be our new Serena-and-Blair-style frenemies (half-sisters Julien Calloway and Zoya Lott); who is the horniest (me but also Max Wolfe, who is Chuck Bass but make him bisexual); who is Gossip Girl (Pilot episode plot twists? Extremely attractive!!). However, much like my own high school experience, the information I best retained is unrelated to plot lines, story comprehension, or facts that will help me on the Gossip Girl final exam. It is who I have a crush on (everyone). Sometimes it takes me three tries to correctly spell “restaurant,” but I can absolutely tell you every person I liked between the ages of 14 and 18.
The cool kids? Hot. The outcasts? Hot. The teachers, the parents, the celebrity cameos? Hot, hot, and — say it with me — hot!! Even the voice of Gossip Girl, who is, once again, Kristen Bell, sounds hot and mean and, did I mention, hot? I would give her my lunch money if she told me to in a voice note. You could pause on most any frame in this show and say, “Would you look at this gorgeous cast?”
Also, it’s incredible what TV execs will try to pass as a teen. You’re telling me these people aren’t old enough to vote?
Tavi Gevinson, 25, is playing a teacher (!) named Kate Keller though Gevinson is younger than a handful of the main cast. Instagram Influencer/Queen Bee Julien Calloway is played by 27-year-old Jordan Alexander. Luna La, Julien’s crony/social media manager, is played by 26-year-old Zión Moreno. Of course, the cast being significantly other than their characters is for the best, otherwise this entire post be wildly inappropriate. Plus, it makes me feel like I, an Old, could maybe pass as a Cool Teen were I to wear the right shoes and a big jacket.
If it’s any consolation to the rest of us, when you are very hot in high school, you don’t have a chance to develop a personality. Thus, you grow into a still hot but boring adult. This is true and a fact, and I will be taking no further questions. It’s a small sacrifice for having a face that would make other people commit crimes on your behalf. All this to say, I would steal a car for any and all of this beautiful cast.