There is something about Henry Cavill’s general presence these days that emits very potent “suburban dad discovering new hobbies” energy. Exhibit A: this interview for GQ centered mainly around protein shakes, in which he utters the phrase “pre-bed shake” a total of four times. Other integral pieces of Cavill’s diet, which includes three protein shakes a day, are: beef portions that he measures in ounces, chicken, rice (both white and brown), and — the first non-supplement-related flavor to appear in the interview — curry sauce.
You might be saying, “This all sounds pretty routine for someone whose job is to have Henry Cavill’s shoulders.” Fair. May I present to you a bizarrely stressful Instagram post he published this week. There Henry Cavill stands, tilting a pizza board to expose a deformed-looking pie to the camera. His mouth, downturned in his grim, tight-lipped face, only accentuates the uncanniness of the scenario.
What is it, exactly, that makes this image so unsettling to behold? Let’s go piece by piece. Before Cavill sits an appliance referred to simply as “the Egg,” which is in fact a $1,000 grill that resembles an enormous dinosaur egg crossed with an avocado. But if you look closely, a few other strange aspects of this post jump out: the presence of a barely visible dog at the lower left; a pair of what are essentially oven mitts but look like they’re marketed as “Barbecue Gloves for Men” or something; Cavill’s critique of his own “topping placement” in the caption.
And then there is the outfit. Those jeans. They are tight, no? They look uncomfortable — like, maybe enough to have contributed to the weirdness of his stance. Lift your gaze an inch and a black sweatshirt materializes, adorned with some sort of medieval-crest imagery. While I have never seen The Witcher, I can only hope this was some free merch he picked up backstage that he threw on because of some dire grilling situation that did not allow him time to pick out a shirt. Eventually, your eyes may come to linger on his hat. It appears that Cavill has fallen victim to an ailment that comes for hot men everywhere at one point or another: newsboy caps.
Still, all things considered, we support Cavill on his pizza-making journey — which certainly looks like more fun than protein powder mixed with water.