Hi and hello, would you like to see a “freakish video”? Well, yes, wouldn’t we all? Luckily, “Page Six” has one queued up for us. It involves leeches and Machine Gun Kelly, and it lives in his Instagram Stories. If you’re getting here after the “freakish video” expired, know that it was just a little clip of some slime guys doing their thing on MGK’s torso, with a cheeky caption that read, “These friends suck.” Ha ha, they do! They also pulse horribly in the process, so … I’m sorry about that.
The best and most obvious question to ask about the leech vid is: Why? Why invite some leeches to drink blood from your chest? I cannot say for sure, but here are my most compelling bits of conjecture:
• This is a sex thing. Most all of the stunts Mr. Machine Gun pulls these days seem to boil down to sex — specifically, sex with Megan Fox, his partner in nail bondage, blood jewelry, and extremely public displays of affection — so maybe the leeches fall into that category. A cursory Google of “leeches sex?” tells me that leech use potentially led to a 100-pound weight loss and multiple orgasms for at least one woman, so many things are possible.
• This is a man trying to balance his humours … or some comparably medieval medical thing. “Page Six” helpfully notes that “leeches can be effective in helping to improve blood flow in areas that have poor circulation, according to Oxford University Hospitals.” Maybe it’s that? Something to do with the time he broke his butt? Again, we’re just doing speculation today.
• This is a man trying to be shocking for attention. My front-running theory at this time.
Anyway, at least it’s more exciting than that underwear ad.