Adult Halloween: Fun? Slutty? The seventh circle of hell? Whatever your grown-up Halloween plans may be, we can all agree that one highlight of experiencing Halloween over the age of 18 is candy. Namely, candy in miniature, which you can now consume as abundantly as your non-miniature heart desires. Welcome to Home Alone: Halloween edition. Here, you can eat candy for breakfast the entire month of October.
You can also BUY your own Halloween candy instead of sticking your fingers in a plastic pumpkin and fishing around for the last Snickers bar. This is a true Halloween blessing, because we all know not all candies are created equal. As you prepare yourself to concoct your bespoke candy mix, I am offering some advice free of charge. As someone who used to wrap Sour Straws around Reese’s Peanut Butter cups, I know things. Okay, fine, I still do the Sour Straws thing. Here is a totally objective ranking of Halloween candy.
32.
Raisinets
Raisins are not candy, nature’s or otherwise, and coating them with chocolate only makes them a deceitful trick. These must be removed from all candy assortments immediately.
31.
Welch’s Fruit Snacks
BOOOOOO!!!!! A hex upon whoever passes these out.
30.
Mounds
Like raisins, coconut shreds should not be considered a valid candy ingredient. They are, however, perfectly welcome in protein bars, fancy cakes, and this very good crispy rice recipe.
29.
Almond Joy
Almond Joys are just Mounds with almonds added, which makes them only marginally better.
28.
Laffy Taffy
Taste-wise, these guys are all right, but they very often melt inside the package and are therefore disgusting to eat. Also, you always get the banana flavor, which, gross.
27.
Dots
Too sweet, always get stuck in your teeth.
26.
Gobstoppers
I am genuinely terrified of cracking a tooth on these, which make them stressful to eat and/or suck on. Pass.
25.
Milk Duds
Fine flavor-wise, but could use more crunch.
24.
Tootsie Rolls
What is a Tootsie Roll made of? Wikipedia describes this substance as a “chocolate-flavored taffy-like candy,” which doesn’t clear things up. Tootsie Rolls are the mystery meat of candy, but they don’t taste as disgusting as I’ve made them sound.
23.
Swedish Fish
Fun shape, mediocre gummy candy. There are better gummies out there.
22.
Peppermint Patties
I go back and forth when it comes to mint and chocolate together, but these are pretty good, especially when frozen.
21.
Junior Mints
Again, mint and chocolate is hit or miss for me, but I’ll take it if it’s being offered.
20.
Smarties
Sour chalk: What a concept! Surprisingly tasty.
19.
Candy Corn
Candy corn is divisive, which is okay. I believe it is good in small doses, so it goes somewhere in the middle.
18.
Mini-Twizzlers
Hear me out: Twizzlers are good. So are mini-Twizzlers, which have an entirely different consistency and taste more like gummies than flavored wax. Like most gummy candies, they pair nicely with a Reese’s Peanut Butter cup.
17.
Skittles
Taste the rainbow, etc., etc.
16.
Kit Kats
The snap is never as satisfying as the commercials make it out to be, but that’s their advertising team’s fault, not Kit Kats’. You could do worse, chocolate-bar-speaking.
15.
Starburst
Except for orange, all the flavors taste good, and the wrapper is so satisfying to unpeel.
14.
Baby Ruth
There are a bunch of candy bars that I always have to Google to remember the difference. I believe Baby Ruths have some variation of chocolate, nut, and caramel, which is pretty hard to mess up.
13.
Milky Way
I like their name, and I know they also have caramel, so … good, I think.
12.
Three Musketeers
I’ve just learned that Milky Ways made outside the U.S. have no caramel and are therefore just Three Musketeers. My mind is reeling.
11.
Butterfinger
These are the crumbly ones, right? Delicious, but must be eaten over a plate.
10.
Twix
Have you ever had those Twix ice-cream bars? Divine. Regular mini-Twix are less good, but still yummy.
9.
Snickers
Great mix of textures. Great candy bar. In the pantheon of nutty, chewy chocolate bars, Snickers rules all. Then again, you could hand me a Milky Way and I wouldn’t know the difference.
8.
Hi-Chews
While this was not a Halloween candy I received as a child, I’ve noticed they have snuck their way into many Halloween candy assortments. This is great news for the young’uns. All flavors of Hi-Chews are delicious, and I am thrilled that the American Halloween Candy Industrial Complex has expanded into international markets.
7.
Nerds
I love those little Nerd boxes. They’re loud! They’re filled with a satisfying number of tiny sour candies! Toss them all in your mouth and make a weird sour-candy face. It’s fun!
6.
Crunch
There’s something a little bit bland about pieces of crispy rice embedded in chocolate, but then again, no one ever complained about a candy bar that gives it to you straight. I slightly prefer the Crunch Bar’s more mischievous cousin, Buncha Crunch, a perfect movie-theater snack that has not to my knowledge been translated into a trick-or-treatable candy. A girl can dream.
5.
Hershey’s Kisses
A classic! No notes.
4.
Hershey’s Nuggets
YES!!! Give these all to me. These shiny little gems are the most slept-on Halloween candy. They look too sophisticated to be good, but they are in fact perfect. Give me a variety pack with milk chocolate, almonds, and toffee (I will ignore the dark chocolate, you’ll have to eat those), and my week is made. Never change, Hershey’s Nuggets. You are better than Ghirardelli squares, and you know it.
3-2.
Sour Patch Watermelon & Sour Patch Kids
The yin and yang of sour candies. Sour Patch has really expanded its offerings in recent years, but I am a bit of a traditionalist — I think these two varieties are all you need. On the one side, you have the watermelon: not very sour at all, fun to suck on until it’s really sweet or just chew up. Then you have the Kids, which you sort through to pick out your favorite flavors (a little brain challenge) and are actually sour. A little something for everyone, eh?
1.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups
All Reese’s Peanut Butter cups should be mini. The mini versions — which have that foil wrapping — are more proportional than the flat ones and also easier to eat. Reese’s are and will always be the champions of Halloween candy. Long may they reign.