Some of you have never seen a man, sweaty (not in a hot, sportsmanlike, just-in-from-chopping-lumber way but in a grotesque, how-your-uncles-get-during-their-post-consuming-3.6-pounds-of-turkey-nap-on-Thanksgiving way) and uncoiffed, take a hat off before, and it shows. A video of Donald Trump waddling around his golf club in West Palm Beach, Florida, is, for some reason, going viral — and I now use that phrase sparingly, considering nearly everything placed online feels like it becomes severely overblown two seconds after its conception. I mean, the Daily Mail’s headline reads “He’s our hairo! Donald Trump’s swept back ‘hat hair’ has the internet ablaze with users desperate for copy-cat dos,” all of which feels not only deeply inflated and hyperbolic, but also confusing. What do you mean users are desperate for a dupe of this hairstyle? The average Midwestern man looks almost exactly like this after mowing the lawn.
In the clip, Trump walks into a ballroom where the bright-white overhead lights seem to be turned all the way up despite it also appearing to be the middle of the day. His hair is slicked back on both sides, like a mother cat has perhaps spent too much time grooming him. The tresses that sit atop his head — the ones usually blown to the side and locked into a comb-over with likely enough Tresemmé Extra Hold hair spray to knock the average global temperature up another degree — look so translucent, it’s impossible to tell whether they have been cut or are simply undone. The patrons at the golf club start cheering, and after Trump stops to address them, asking the crowd if they’re having a good time, it sounds like a woman yells out at the president-elect, “Would you hire my son?” Trump, seemingly taking notes from women (for the first time in his life) who have to dodge the “Do you want to meet my son?” query at hometown weddings from like-minded mommies, completely ignores the question.
MAGA-heads desperate for a chance to so much as lick the bottom of Trump’s overly shined boots are giving him the “Emperor’s New Clothes” treatment, hyping up his uncoiffed ’do with a plethora of flame emojis.
Some even speculate that Trump, who’s had the same hairstyle since his 1992 cameo in Home Alone 2, got a cut and is sporting a mullet. Get a grip. This is a clear case of hat hair on a man who, despite the strain of time and his own biology, refuses to let his tresses be any shade other than an ashy blond. And anyway, this guy is a sucker for control and tradition; he’s not about to walk into a barber shop and ask them to give him the Theo Von special.