It has become clear that getting divorced has been great for Gisele Bündchen. She spends a ton of time in Costa Rica, can’t stop smiling, and now she is expecting a baby with her jujitsu instructor turned boyfriend, Joaquim Valente.
For Bündchen’s ex-husband, Tom Brady? Not so much. Ever since they parted ways, he appears to have struggled with everything from his retirement plan to his public image. (Some of this is his own doing — he did sign up for an extremely well-publicized roast.)
Anyway, in the wake of Bündchen’s pregnancy news, it’s hard not to picture Brady skulking around his cavernous Miami mansion, stress-eating nightshades and texting sad Drake lyrics to his buddy Jeff Bezos. TMZ claims Brady knew about the pregnancy before it made headlines, but that doesn’t do much to dull the sting of your ex being blindingly happy pretty much immediately after breaking up with you.
So how is he doing, really? Brady has offered us some signs of life but no signs of wellness. On Monday, he posted a sunset photo to his Instagram Stories with three heart emoji and shared that he’s listening to the Chicks’ cover of “Landslide.” The “Landslide” lyrics scrolled below the hearts while the song played: “Can the child within my heart riiise above?” Good Lord.
At least Brady is doing some healthy demon-exorcising in one department of his life: He announced on Tuesday that he’s saying good-bye to some treasured football paraphernalia by auctioning it off with Sotheby’s. I would personally recommend a ceremonial bonfire, but I guess this is more lucrative.