Ending a friendship is a tricky and uncomfortable task. Even when they aren’t working, friendships tend to hang around due to inertia, a shared history, or something as simple as proximity. But friendships, just like romantic relationships, can be toxic, harmful, or downright annoying. And often, the hardest solution is the right one: They need to end.
The predicament we’re discussing here is better known as the “frenemy,” a portmanteau of “friend” and “enemy,” usually oscillating between one or the other with a dizzying frequency. But how do you know if you’ve got a frenemy on your hands? Here are 11 warning signs to look out for and some advice from experts.
1.
They talk about you behind your back.
Most of us aren’t saints when it comes to gossiping, but there is a certain level of trust that must exist in any relationship in order to maintain the bond. If your friend is spreading rumors rooted in private matters — or, worse, untrue things they’ve made up — that is a clear indication they don’t really care about you or your friendship.
2.
They’re always asking for favors.
Lending support is a facet of a healthy friendship, but when the support is one-sided and constant (can you pay for lunch? Can you walk their dog? Can you put in a good word? Can you help put together some furniture?), you might have a problem. “Don’t be a good friend anymore,” Ask Polly columnist Heather Havrilesky once advised a reader who suspected their friends might be using them. “Just show up, and ask that others show up for you.”
3.
Their emotional needs consistently outweigh yours.
Friendship is about mutual support, but trouble arrives when another person’s emotional needs — which require you to support them to the detriment of your other relationships and needs — seem to always outweigh yours. “A bad friend reminds you that when you have needs of your own, you are not only hopelessly self-indulgent and insensitive but you’re being mean and insensitive to her far more pressing needs,” Havrilesky once wrote to another reader struggling with a friendship.
4.
They only want to talk about themselves.
It’s not a good sign if you’re desperate for your friend to take a break from talking about how their marathon prep is going and ask, “And anyway, how’s it going with you?”
5.
They aren’t happy about your achievements.
“Friendship has a bigger impact on our psychological well-being than family relationships,” sociologist Rebecca G. Adams told the New York Times. A friend should be able to feel and express genuine happiness for you when things are going well in your life. If you feel like you don’t want to talk to them about the good things in your life because they’re always cutting you down (your achievement isn’t that impressive; your new job isn’t that good; oh, they actually reached that relationship milestone months ago), they just aren’t a good friend.
6.
They’re passive-aggressive.
“It’s so cute how you brought deviled eggs to the party,” they might say in front of a group of friends. “They smell so bad, and they’re actually, like, one of the cheaper and lazier things you could make and bring to a party, but they can actually taste decent if you know how to make them properly.” Ugghh. This type of behavior can be enormously hurtful and embarrassing, but try to remember that it isn’t about you. “Every time someone uses passive aggression to try to upset you, remind yourself that under their anger lies deep unhappiness,” Andrea Brandt, a family therapist, wrote in Psychology Today. “. The happier you are with your life, the easier it will be to see them for what they are: sad.”
7.
They pass off cruel criticism as helpful feedback.
There’s a difference between telling someone a tough but loving bit of truth, and criticizing something “honestly” just to provoke pain. It’s just like Taylor Swift sang that one time: “You call me up again just to break me like a promise, so casually cruel in the name of being honest.”
8.
Their “jokes” are actually hurtful.
OMG, they can’t believe you were offended when they said your hair looked “like a drunk Carol Brady cut her own hair in the dark.” They were obviously just kidding! It’s seriously suuuch a good haircut. “Teasing is often healthy and fun,” writes Rachel Simmons, author of Odd Girl Out and The Curse of the Good Girl. “But when it’s abused, ‘just kidding’ contains a disturbing logic: If I didn’t mean it, it didn’t happen.” And this logic means your “friend” not only doesn’t respect your feelings but refuses to take responsibility when they’ve hurt them.
9.
The friendship just makes you feel bad.
Trust your feelings. If you dread hanging out with this friend, if they always leave you feeling upset, or if your gut is telling you it’s just not right, it might be time to cut them off. “You’ll actually go through a bit of a grief process with it, and that’s okay,” Miriam Kirmayer, a clinical therapist specializing in friendships, told Time. “If you feel like you can’t change the toxic friendship situation, it’s okay to mourn it, move on, and find relationships that are much more satisfying.”
10.
They refuse to work on themselves.
Gigi Engle, certified sex and relationship psychotherapist and resident intimacy expert at 3Fun, identifies this offender as “the first one to tell you to go to therapy, to deal with your emotional baggage, and keep your side of the street clean,” while they can’t do the same for themselves. Engle cautions that this particular sort of frenemy frequently uses therapyspeak (phrases like “self-aware” and “triggers” and “emotional intelligence”) without putting any of those words into practice in their own life. An easy tell? “A frenemy will say things akin to ‘I’m just too smart for therapy to work on me’ or ‘Therapy wouldn’t work for me because I have always been more intelligent than a therapist,’” Engle tells the Cut. “If you suggest they actually work on themselves, point out contradictions in their behaviors, or call out toxic traits, they will get very defensive, rather than reflective.” In other words, run for the hills.
11.
They lack self-awareness.
Engle also warns of the kind of folks who “treat friends with contempt and are usually incredibly vigilant about their public image and how they are perceived, especially online.” Ironically, she adds, that hypervigilance often misses the mark, and it’s usually pretty easy to spot from an outsider’s perspective. “Their insecurity, self-loathing, and narcissism is clear to anyone who isn’t their circle or a ‘frenemy’ on the receiving end of their bullshit,” Engle says. “They think they’re coming across as cool and nonchalant, but they really come across as desperate and, frankly, sad.” And if they aren’t aware of the ramifications of their own actions, they’re probably not aware of your feelings at all.