Let’s cut right to the chase: J.D. Vance has not fucked a couch. Or, if he has, he did not write about it in Hillbilly Elegy. If you had not yet heard this false rumor, (1) I’m jealous, but (2) that means I can drag you down to my level by explaining what’s going on.
On July 15, Vance was announced as Donald Trump’s running mate. Shortly after, X user @rickrudescalves (whose account is now private) wrote, “can’t say for sure but he might be the first vp pick to have admitted in a ny times bestseller to fucking an inside-out latex glove shoved between two couch cushions (vance, hillbilly elegy, pp. 179-181).” It’s an indictment on Vance’s demeanor that so many people believed this without question, but it is, in fact, a lie. Sorry to Kathy Griffin and everyone else who fell for misinformation.
Pages 179–181 of Hillbilly Elegy are actually about Vance’s early days at Ohio State University. Vance wrote that he remembered every magical detail about arriving on campus for orientation, the first of which is “lunch at Chipotle.” Hell yeah, dude.
So, Vance has not publicly admitted to getting a little freaky with a couch. That does not mean that there aren’t plenty of other things that make him off-putting. Just off the top of my head: He insists on calling child-free women cat ladies (including Vice-President Kamala Harris). He made a spineless pivot from being a Never Trump guy to becoming a Trump lackey once his Senate race was on the line. He recently said he was “skeptical” that Mike Pence’s life was in danger on January 6. He loves Diet Mountain Dew? At least Trump enjoys a soda for adults (Diet Coke). He converted to Catholicism five years ago because noted Silicon Valley villain Peter Thiel opened his eyes to Christianity (you do you, religion-wise, but late-in-life Catholic converts are always weird about it). Last but not least, by writing Hillbilly Elegy, he has left a black mark on the previously illustrious careers of both Amy Adams and Glenn Close. How are they supposed to win their Oscars now?