We all can appreciate the ability to share a comfortable silence with a romantic partner. Some would even say it’s key for a successful relationship. But conversation can be fun too, whether it’s pillow talk or a cozy chat over a romantic dinner. Especially when you’ve been dating someone awhile, it’s easy to feel like you already know everything there is to know about them. But one of the coolest things about a long-term relationship is that your partner can endlessly surprise you. It’s a healthy practice to stay curious about your lover’s interior life, as well as your own. It can help prevent stagnancy and keep you close and growing together as you evolve over time. For those moments when you want to get closer through conversation, marriage-and-family therapist Dr. Patrice Le Goy, Ph.D., LMFT, has helped us compile a list of questions to ask your partner.
Le Goy groups the questions into past, present, and future, so you and your partner can get a better understanding of what has led each of you to where you are today and where you want to be in the future. “We try to do it in a way that’s not judgmental, just really curious to understand what has led up to this point in your life,” she says. “There is no right or wrong answer.”
While these questions are helpful tools for learning more about your partner, Le Goy cautions that you should be open to receiving answers you may not want to hear. “Know if you can handle the answer,” she says. “And know that you’re willing to answer the same question, if you’re asked, honestly.”
So if you have been curious about everything from your partner’s childhood to their stance on aliens, here are 120 questions you can pose to them, developed by Le Goy and the Cut.
Past
1. Which five words would you use to describe your childhood?
2. What things (if any) about your parents’ relationship do you want to have in ours?
3. What things about your parents’ relationship do you absolutely not want to have in ours?
4. Is there anything about your personality now that you think is significantly different from when you were a kid? What about from when you and I first met?
5. Are there friendships from your younger years that you wish you still had?
6. Who were your heroes growing up?
7. Which cartoon character did you have a crush on as a kid?
8. What did you want to be when you grew up?
9. What was your first serious relationship like?
10. What is your biggest regret?
11. Saddest memory from your childhood?
12. Happiest memory from your childhood?
13. If you could relive one day in your life, which day would you choose?
14. What is the most romantic place you’ve ever visited?
15. Have you ever been cheated on?
16. Have you ever cheated on anyone, and do you feel the phrase “Once a cheater, always a cheater” is true or false?
17. Do you feel the phrase “Once a cheater, always a cheater” is true or false? Why?
18. What is the best gift you’ve ever given a partner?
19. What is your favorite love song?
20. What is your favorite date-night movie?
21. What is something important you’ve learned from another couple?
22. What is a mistake you’ve made in a past relationship that you don’t want to repeat?
23. Have you ever had your heart broken?
24. What was your favorite book series as a child?
25. What children’s television did you watch growing up?
26. What were your earliest experiences with spirituality?
27. Is there a relationship, real or fictional, that you idolized growing up?
28. What was communication like in your family?
29. What was your experience with punishment growing up?
30. What were you like in high school?
31. If you had to give your childhood a soundtrack, what would it be? Why?
32. What kind of household skills were you taught?
33. Did your parents place any responsibilities on you growing up?
34. Do you think it’s true that we are all essentially the same person we were as a child?
35. If you could change anything about your childhood, what would it be?
36. Were you close with your siblings/cousins growing up?
37. When did you feel the loneliest during your childhood?
38. What was your go-to after-school snack?
39. Tell me about your favorite teacher in elementary school, middle school, and high school.
40. What class were you best at? If it’s different, what class did you enjoy the most?
41. Do you think we would have been friends or dated if we’d known each other in high school?
Present
1. What are you happiest about or most proud of right now?
2. Are you living the life you thought you would have at this age?
3. What is the most surprising thing about this time in your life?
4. What do you think is your best attribute as a partner?
5. What is the No. 1 thing you look for in a partner?
6. What do you think the most important element is in maintaining a relationship?
7. Would you prefer to cook a romantic dinner or do the dishes?
8. How can you tell you’re really comfortable with someone?
9. When do you think is the right time to say “I love you”?
10. What part/s of our relationship do you find challenging?
11. What about our relationship is really working for you?
12. What is your favorite thing about me?
13. How important is physical intimacy to you?
14. How comfortable are you in your body?
15. Do you feel we’re well matched in our levels of desire for intimacy?
16. Is there anything about our sexual relationship you would like to be different?
17. How important is a traditional monogamous relationship to you?
18. Have you ever tried non-monogamy before, and if so, what was it like?
19. If you could snap your fingers and change one thing in your life, what would it be?
20. When do you find it really hard to be present?
21. Who makes you feel most accepted and celebrated?
22. Who makes you feel the opposite?
23. How happy are you in your career?
24. How do you feel about your finances?
25. Whom do you most admire in the world?
26. What is your favorite meal of all time?
27. Do you have any hidden talents?
28. If you could suddenly be very good at something without having to put any effort into it, what would it be?
29. Do you think aliens exist?
30. Do you believe in ghosts or spirits?
31. Do you feel satisfied with where you are in life?
32. What’s your favorite date we’ve been on recently?
33. When do you feel heard by me? When do you feel not heard by me?
34. Does our relationship make you feel safe and secure?
35. Do you feel that we challenge each other?
36. What’s something our relationship has taught you?
37. Is there anything you’ve been afraid to tell me?
38. Do you think we handle conflict well as a couple?
39. Are you anxious about any aspects of our relationship?
40. What’s something that always puts a smile on your face when you think about it?
Future
1. What are you most looking forward to in the next ten years?
2. What are you most afraid of happening in the next ten years?
3. How important is it to you to get married?
4. How do you feel about having children?
5. If you want children, how many do you want?
6. If you want children, are you open to exploring methods such as adoption or surrogacy?
7. Which relationships would you like to be different in the future?
8. What career do you wish you could have?
9. If you could go to the moon, would you?
10. If you got a billion dollars tomorrow, what do you think your life would be like?
11. Can you see us living together?
12. If you were to raise a child, what would be your biggest priorities?
13. What kind of role do you want friendships and community to play in your life ten years from now?
14. Do you want to travel? Where to?
15. Where do you see our relationship going in the next year?
16. How do you want my role in your life to evolve?
17. Are there any aspects of sex and intimacy you haven’t explored and want to?
18. Do you want pets in the future?
19. Where do you see yourself building a home?
20. Do you think your politics will change as you get older?
21. How old do you want to be when you retire?
22. How much money do you want to save for retirement?
23. Is your current career/job the one you see yourself staying in?
24. Is there a skill you don’t have that you’d like to gain?
25. Is there someone important in your life that I haven’t met? Do you want me to meet them?
26. What’s something we haven’t done together that you want us to do together?
27. What’s a gift you’d like to receive from me?
28. Would you be afraid to get a tarot reading about our relationship? Why?
29. How do you think we can help each other grow?
30. Do you think we have similar financial goals?
31. Are there any core values you have that you think might become an issue between us in the future?
32. What do you want to do this weekend?
33. What’s a movie you want us to watch together?
34. What’s a book you want me to read so we can talk about it?
35. If we got married, what would be our wedding song?
36. Do you think your attraction to me will change as we get older?
37. If we got married, would you want a large wedding or a small one?
38. Do you want your social life to stay the way it is right now?
39. Do you want to be more or less integrated into my social life in the future?