The term “red flag,” at least when it comes to dating, has come to mean anything from “ill-fitting jeans” to “never having been out of the country.” But that’s not really the idea.
“Red flags are warning signs that tell us to pause, take a step back, and reconsider connecting with someone,” explains Emily Fiorelli, LCSW at Manhattan Wellness. The thing is, they’re not always glaringly obvious, despite the name. That’s especially true if we’re moving too fast: “We may miss them — or choose to overlook them — but this only gets us in trouble later down the line,” Fiorelli says. “Think of it like running a red light: You may not get caught in the moment, but you’ll definitely be getting that ticket in the mail.”
Elizabeth Marks, LCSW at Manhattan Wellness, gives an example: Let’s say a first date waits to confirm until hours before. Some people could write that off as an isolated incident (which very well could be true!). But, Marks warns, this is an early sign of disrespect — and if the behavior continues, it might show a pattern of poor communication or a lack of respect for your time.
A good rule of thumb? Anytime a partner does something that infringes on your (or others’) autonomy or rights, or acts in a way meant to assert power or control, that’s something to pay attention to, advises Leah Aguirre, licensed therapist and relationship coach. “When someone acts oddly or unkind or disrespectful — our bodies tend to pick up on this and alert us that something isn’t right or doesn’t feel completely safe.”
Makes sense, but what else should you be looking out for? Below, the big ones to keep on your radar.
1. Excessive Negativity
“We all have our days, but someone who is consistently focused on the negative — complaining about the dinner, the lighting, the drinks, the wait — can be emotionally draining. If you have people-pleasing tendencies or struggle with a heightened level of sensitivity, there might be a desire to go into solution mode for this person, which is going to have you bending over backward (and not in an enjoyable way).” —Marks
2. Inconsistency
“Hot and cold behavior, especially early on in dating, is a major signal of emotional unavailability and game-playing. We build trust, admiration, and honesty through being consistent — if you say you’re going to call and you do, you’re showing someone respect and honesty. Being able to count on people is the basis of a loving and long-lasting relationship. So when someone is inconsistent time after time, it breeds doubt and anxiety.” —Marks
3. Constant Conflict With Friends or Having No Friends at All
“If someone is unable to maintain friendships, this is good information to have. It could indicate that there is a lack of emotional maturity or interpersonal skills — meaning they may be unable to have empathy, engage in perspective taking, or take ownership of their mistakes.” —Aguirre
4. Possessiveness or Jealousy
“Jealousy is a very normal human emotion, but when someone regularly expresses these feelings or can’t seem to manage them and just acts on them, it can become problematic, especially when this happens early on. This person is showing you that they cannot regulate their emotions, and assume that their partner (you) is responsible for handling their feelings.” —Aguirre
5. Not Taking Accountability
“We’re human: We say the wrong thing, we miss a train, we forget to text back, and sometimes we make really big mistakes. But someone who cannot admit fault and is always blaming others for everything is an unbreakable pattern that will leave you feeling exhausted. Accountability enables growth, blame enables shame (more often for you than them).” —Marks
6. Accelerating the Relationship
“Someone wanting to accelerate the pace of the relationship, especially if you’re not there yet or need to take more time, indicates love-bombing or trying to manipulate you into commitment,” says Aguirre. Marks agrees, noting that “intense affection, constant communication after just meeting, overcommitment to the future, and pushing away life’s responsibilities to focus only on yours can all signal the start of manipulation and control.”
7. Short-temperedness
This can manifest as being quick to jump to conclusions, forming strong opinions about you and others, raising their voices at you, accusing you of something you didn’t do, and/or deflecting their poor behavior, explains Aguirre.
8. General Unkindness
“Being rude towards servers or waiters, belittling or patronizing other people, and having a sense of superiority are all flashing lights,” says Marks. “This can demonstrate a lack of empathy or point to narcissistic qualities that could become a big problem later in the relationship.”
9. Avoiding Questions
“If you feel confident enough to ask a question and are met with a brick wall time after time, it’s something to raise a flag about. I often recommend calling out the avoidance — there can be a reason that someone wants to stay away from a topic, but if they’re unwilling to give us visibility to it, it’s something worth recognizing.” —Marks
Anything else I should know?
Fiorelli warns us to watch out for something a lot of people do: conflating the “ick” with a “red flag.” “The ‘ick’ is a term that I try to remove from the therapy space,” she says. “It’s a valid feeling to be confused or turned off by somebody, but we want to make sure that whatever is ‘icking you out’ isn’t just a quirk or someone actually being kind, stable, and attentive, which can happen if you’re not used to this in relationships.”
The bottom line: Move with caution. If you can look at “ick”s as preferences and red flags as prioritizing your safety, you’ll be just fine.