Ever since Sydney Sweeney was plucked from Universal Studios obscurity, many members of the public have struggled to process her boobs. Following her Saturday Night Live hosting gig, a few people have gotten so lost in the sauce that they see Sweeney’s boobs as twin prophets of an anti-woke revolution. Please get a grip!
In one piece that ran in Canada’s National Post, Amy Hamm, a woman who was called in front of her nursing school’s disciplinary panel last year for a series of transphobic social-media posts, deemed Sweeney’s boobs “double-D harbingers of the death of woke.” Per Hamm’s analysis, this famous set of jugs has finally freed us from “being chastised for desiring or admiring beauty.” Hamm also somehow manages to argue that if Dave Chappelle had Sydney Sweeney’s boobs, his transphobic 2021 Netflix special would have not have been nearly as controversial. I will never forgive her for this mental image, among other things.
Meanwhile, over at the U.K.’s Spectator, comedian and writer Bridget Phetasy rejoiced that “boobs are back,” delivering us from a dark period during which “the giggling blonde with an amazing rack has been stamped out of existence, a creature shamed to the brink of extinction.” For Phetasy, the collision of Sweeney’s hosting duties and controversial comedian Shane Gillis’s return to the SNL stage harken an exciting new era, and also the glorious comeback tour of “humour and boobs.” I had no idea we’d been operating without either of these things until now.
This should go without saying, but please leave Sydney Sweeney’s boobs alone. Her own grandparents already said all there is to say, when, after seeing Euphoria’s season-two premiere, they told her she has “the best tits in Hollywood.” Now that’s boob support.