Spoilers for season three of The Traitors (U.S.) ahead. Consider yourself warned!
Folks, hang on to your tam o’ shanters. Things are getting a little bit choppy on episode three of The Traitors. It’s to be expected that upon bringing reality-TV stars together, there will be ample drama, finger-pointing, glaring, hissing, crying, etc. Theatrics and backstabbing are frankly what they do best. But, holy cow, the claws are out this season. Dylan Efron, in his little cream cable-knit sweater (it’s not quite reaching Billy Crystal’s knit in When Harry Met Sally …, the pinnacle of all comfy outerwear, but we’ll take it), threw daggers at Bob the Drag Queen from across the roundtable, and Boston Rob, who I assume sleeps and showers in his baseball cap, was labeled a “sellout” by someone from his own franchise. Meow! Don’t worry, Tom Sandoval is still glaring at everyone who has a set of eyes, although in this episode he decided he’d made evil eyes at too many people and turned his attention toward a rubber ducky in the bath.
This episode was messy in every way possible. Yes, the castmates threw one another under the bus any chance they got, but they also trekked through a muddy fun house in their designer goodies. I was particularly worried about Bob Harper and his, once again, head-to-toe Thom Browne look getting soiled (I was beginning to think that this man has to be under contract with the fashion house; however, a source from the brand told me not only does the label not have any official brand ambassadors, but that Bob H. is actually simply a “longtime friend of the brand who [the brand] is thrilled to see in the new season of Traitors.”) After sludging through the dirt, every cast member was absolutely covered in glitter (which, by the way, is apparently a very secretive product to make) and tracked it back to the mansion, meaning they sat through their banishment roundtable glistening with sparkly plastic all over their faces and hair. Alan, you’re going to be finding glitter in the crevices of this castle for millennia to come.
If I were a clueless cast member, like Robyn, here’s where I’d categorize my fellow contestants based on their outfits alone.
Very Traitorous: Bob the Drag Queen, I hate to say it, but we need to tone it down! Your outfits are too fabulous. Your hot-pink blazers, your drapey patterned scarves — they’re too enchanting. Too eye-catching. You’re already on the radar, sweetie. It might be time to fly a little under it now.
Traitorous: Carolyn Wiger came dressed for clownery in her argyle (borderline harlequin, okay) tights. What does she know that we don’t?! And, girl, we cannot be sleuthing around in high-heel thigh-high boots like that. Consider Sneex next time :)
Faithful: Let’s talk about former Bachelorette Gabby Windey (a.k.a. one of the Bambi girls, as they like to be called, thanks to their doe eyes). Nearly every outfit she’s worn, I think to myself, Okay, I would look so cute in that at the grocery store! And that thought is just distracting enough to keep out my suspicions.
Very Faithful: Sam Asghari in his Clark Kent cosplay with that singular curl on his forehead. Okay, innocent and incompetent queen!
Time for a dishonorable mention: The three additions to this season (Boston Rob, Wes, and Derrick). I’m sorry, you all need to try a little harder and switch it up a bit! Your outfits are blending so far into the background, so dormant, that I’m about to become suspicious of your passivity. But Boston Rob, I do commend you for your commitment to a look.
Editor’s note: We’ll be talking about the most outrageous every episode this season, so come back for more. And as far as photos go, we are giving you as many images as Daddy NBC will let us have. We will grovel for more in the coming weeks.