At last night’s Super Bowl, Kendrick Lamar showed us how to be deliciously petty, we remembered bootcut jeans exist, and Tom Brady’s unblinking eyes peered deep into my soul while his watch called me broke.
In case you somehow missed the gold behemoth peeking out of Brady’s sleeve, the former football star (and former husband) reportedly wore a $740,000 yellow-sapphire Caviar Tourbillon watch from Jacob & Co. for his first Super Bowl commentating gig. That kind of money can buy you a decently nice condo in Manhattan on Park Avenue or 132 Margaux bags from The Row but instead was pumped into a decorative wrist adornment quite literally inspired by a tin of fish eggs. There’s nothing like being reminded of that one trip you took to SeaWorld (that made you inexplicably sad) each time you look down at your hands.
Maybe it’s because I don’t understand watch culture or because I’ve never handled that much money, but if I had $740,000 laying around, it certainly wouldn’t be put toward wearing a tiny clock. “But, Danya, there’s 424 gems smushed onto that watch!” I don’t care! A dozen eggs cost $12! The median rent in New York City is almost $3,700! People are struggling to keep up with the cost of living, and seeing the embodiment of “let them eat cake” on Brady’s wrist is kind of a slap in the face. I get it — he still seems to be down bad about the divorce and maybe about his beautiful ex-wife recently giving birth to her beautiful jujitsu-instructor-turned-boyfriend’s baby, but this watch is not the “revenge dress” you were hoping for, Brady!
At the end of the day, this accessory was a mere snapshot of a multimillion-dollar event where tickets cost an average of around $8,000, a 30-second commercial spot can come in at almost $8 million, and the blatant display of wealth disparity is somehow placated by the fact its centerpiece involves men hitting each other. But hey, at least we know Kendrick probably slept like a baby last night.