Spoilers for season three of The Traitors (U.S.) ahead! Consider yourself warned!
Folks, if you slammed the lid of a wooden coffin shut on my living, warm body, as Alan Cumming did at the beginning of episode four of The Traitors to WWE star Nikki Bella, you’d open it to find a dead one. I’m not joking: I would have panicked in such an incredible, dumbfounding way that my soul would simply and voluntarily leave my body. Perhaps I’d be reincarnated as a plant? Maybe a piece of moss like the ones draping Alan’s blazer? I personally think that would be a happy and noble life.
If you looked up “selfish” in the dictionary, there would be a teeny, tiny gif of this episode playing next to this entry. First we had the buffoonery of everyone dressed down in leggings and casual jackets (yes, Bob Harper’s was Thom Browne; let’s just assume that he’ll always be wearing Thom Browne going forward) to haul massive statues up a hill for a shield. Only ten competitors were able to get shields, and yes, all the men snatched them up first. And Boston Rob’s foolery? Fabulous television, but an ugly, ugly look …
Speaking of ugly looks! Here are this week’s back-stabbing rankings based solely on outfits:
Very Traitorous: Tom Sandoval … he is dressed like off-label, Walmart-brand Brad Pitt between projects circa 2005. That head is *shloop* sucked and snatched into that beanie.
Traitorous: Sam Asghari, solely for stealing Britney Spears’s headband?!?! (He did not clarify if he meant it was his ex-wife’s or if it was from his Traitors colleague, also named Brittany). Headbands are sacred when you’re a woman with unruly hair (I would know). That is beyond treacherous. GIVE IT BACK! LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE.
Faithful: Boston Rob, sweetie, I’m going to hold your hand when I say this … whatever’s going on in your closet? I need it to stop. The distressed, light-washed jeans with the pink button-up and the textured navy jacket paired with the (of course) backwards cap are so mismatched. The plus side is that I would assume you’re resting so well, on account of how good you are at this game, that you’re merely oversleeping and rushing to pick out an outfit in the morning.
Very Faithful: Gabby Windey showed up to breakfast ready to present her case against the traitors in that dark-academia argyle sweater vest. Tell them, Gabby!!!
Honorable mention goes to Bob the Drag Queen’s bright pink ensemble layered over a blue leopard-print top. Meow!
[Editor’s note: We’ll be talking about the most outrageous every episode this season, so tune back for more. And as far as photos go, we are giving you as many images as Daddy NBC will let us have. We will grovel for more in the coming weeks.]