At the Cut, we strive to cover a multiplicity of areas with nuance and insight — politics, style, culture, health, how hot we find every character in the Lord of the Rings extended universe. To this last point, we’ve fastidiously analyzed the Aragon Girl versus Legolas Girl dichotomy, as well as Boromir’s under-explored sex appeal. We’ve debated which character exudes the most Big Dick Energy (Smeagol, yes; Gollum, no). When we learned that the talent agency in charge of casting for Amazon’s forthcoming Lord of the Rings TV series was apparently seeking actors who “must be comfortable with nudity,” we begged the creators to give us a nasty group-sex scene in the mud of Isengard.
And yet, somehow, we never thought to extend our fixation to the most depraved of depths, to definitively rank the orcs of Middle-earth based on which one is sexiest. Thank goddess, one brilliant mind — a Mr. Kyle Wilson — has risen to the occasion and done this necessary work, publishing a story on Polygon entitled “The orc daddies of Middle-earth, ranked.”
The undertaking alone is inspiring. In the post, Wilson identified 21 orcs — who he, and we as well, consider “underrated kings” — and gave them fitting monikers: “wet orc,” “screaming queen orc,” “boss orc,” to name a few. And then he ranked them from “the left-swipes you’d rather Isengard would never unleash to the grade-A babes to whom your hobbit hole is open anytime.”
But more impressive is the accuracy of the list. Wilson is correct that “‘the trees are strong’ orc,” ranked No. 19, is “so fucking horny for tearing down trees,” but we absolutely cannot “stan an anti-environmental king.” He’s also right that “torch orc,” who comes in at No. 2, could definitely hit it from the back. While we do think the No. 1 hottest orc, Lurtz — the Uruk-hai leader who fatally impales Boromir with arrows in the movie, and whom Wilson refers to as “this fucking guy” — is a bit of an obvious selection, we also believe the towering himbo is worthy of the top spot. He is a classic choice for a reason.
Wilson: Bravo, good sir, for your diligence, bravery, and inspiring use of “hobbit hole.”