As a 28-year-old with student loans and a public-sector job (that is supposed to make me eligible for loan forgiveness in approximately eight years, if PSLF still exists by then), I have no money. Once I pay my monthly bills (student loan, rent in Brooklyn, groceries, phone), I’m basically scrounging a few bucks between paychecks. I wouldn’t say I’m poor, but I am definitely broke most of the time. I’m pretty used to it at this point, but it does get hard this time of year, especially as a lot of my friends seem to be getting bonuses and raises.
My question is: How can I participate in the holiday season the way that other adults seem to? I want to be able to afford to bring a bottle of wine to a holiday party (and have an outfit to wear to said holiday party). I want to take an Uber home if I stay out late instead of waiting in the cold for the subway. I want to be able to host my own party instead of tiptoeing around my antisocial roommates in our tiny apartment. I want to buy gifts for my family when I take the train to go see them in New Jersey for Christmas. I want to be able to buy myself something nice when everything’s on sale, instead of avoiding any situation where I might be tempted to shop. None of my friends seem as strapped as me, and I’m tired of it. How can I do normal holiday things when I’m already broke?
First of all, you are absolutely not the only one of your friends who feels this way, even if it seems like it. In my experience, the holiday season is when the gap between what you want and what you can afford yawns the widest. It’s also a time of ambient social anxiety — there’s this notion that we’re all just overwhelmed with fun plans, bustling around in our “desk to drinks” outfits, breaking out the sequins, and squeezing one more event into our overstuffed calendars. Everyone plays into this mirage of “soooo many parties,” and sure, maybe some people are actually that busy (if so, how DO you do it?). But in reality, most of us are hanging out at home in our sweatpants, wondering how everyone else can afford their lives. And the truth is, you don’t need a ton of money to participate in the two best activities of December: (1) hanging out with people and (2) eating and drinking things.
To answer your questions more specifically, I reached out to Aja Evans, a board-certified therapist and author of Feel-Good Finance, a new book about how to understand and improve your relationship to money. Here’s her advice for handling the holidays when you don’t have much to spare.
Know what you CAN spend.
If you try to spend as little as possible (or nothing at all), you’ll set yourself up for failure and feel even worse. It’s better to give yourself a specific amount, even if it’s a small number. “After your rent is paid and your basic needs are met, look at what’s left over and then enjoy yourself,” says Evans. “It could be $20 to spend at a holiday market, $15 on a bottle of wine, or $10 on cookie ingredients — set a limit and figure out what you can do with it.”
You know this, but it bears repeating: Your holiday budget is not a reflection of your life choices, especially in your 20s. “What you deserve and what you can afford have nothing to do with each other. They are two totally separate things,” Evans explains. This might sound trite — your self-worth is not your net worth, blah blah — but the end of the year is when we tend to do a lot of self-evaluation, and your bank balance shouldn’t detract from what you do feel good about.
Take a break from people or platforms that make you want stuff or feel left out.
“If you need to get off social media for a little while, do it,” says Evans. Most retailers make a huge portion of their annual revenue during the holidays, so the advertising is intense and very, very targeted — you are not weak-willed if you need to simply shield your eyes for the next month or two and ride out the aggressive promotions and gift guides.
While you’re at it, you may want to step away from certain people, too. “We all have those friends who only want to do expensive things. Plan to meet up with them in January,” says Evans. “You don’t know their financial situation — they may always look cute and seem to be having the best time, but they might have debt or external financial help. Don’t try to keep up.”
Take the initiative to plan cheap (or free) gatherings.
Trust me, your friends will be grateful! No one needs another night out drinking $18 cocktails right now. (Or if they do, you can gracefully decline — I’m not above feigning a migraine in such circumstances.) Instead, a few ideas: Coordinate with your roommates to find a time that you can invite people over to decorate cookies — you buy a roll of slice-and-bake cookie dough; ask your friends to each bring a topping. “If you want a nice holiday drink, buy a cheap bottle of wine, heat it up with some sugar and spices, and you’ve made mulled wine,” Evans suggests. She also has a long-standing tradition of hosting a pajama movie night with her friends (they watch The Holiday). “In my 20s, one of my friends used to host an annual Christmas potluck,” she says. “It didn’t matter that we were eating off of paper plates in her tiny little apartment. Everyone always had a great time.”
Personally, I believe that cheap gatherings are often more fun because the pressure is off. When you’re spending money, everything has to hit right, and people get pissed when it doesn’t. Lowering the financial stakes allows everyone to relax.
Have a conversation with your family about Christmas gifts.
The gifting industrial complex is tough to hack, and a lot of families get weird about disrupting the tradition of opening presents together. But don’t let that dissuade you from talking to your loved ones about how to navigate the holidays within your budget; it never hurts to pitch a familywide Secret Santa, even if you get rebuffed.
At the very least, I recommend asking people what they want before you buy anything for them. And Evans is an advocate for “gifting” joint activities or services rather than tangible things. “Instead of spending money on stuff they don’t need, you could offer to help them with something — a chore like cleaning out a closet, or organizing their pantry,” she says. “Your loved ones tend to really value your company and your time. If you can combine that with a skill you can share, that’s a great gift.”
Let yourself be annoyed.
The things you want — to move to a bigger apartment, to host parties, to take Ubers home when you’re cold and tired — are all valid and understandable. I want those things too! And it’s very possible that you will be able to afford them someday, but probably not all at once, and it’s okay to be grumpy about that.
“Society will make you feel like it’s a ‘you’ problem that you can’t pay for the life that you want,” says Evans. “But it really is crazy that you’re working hard at your job, doing public service, and you don’t have enough money to afford a lifestyle that feels comfortable.” Don’t blame yourself. Sometimes adulthood is dressing up and going to parties, but more often it’s learning to sit with the feeling of being disappointed and left out — and knowing you’ll also be just fine.
Finally, pick one thing that you want to do differently next year, says Evans. Even if it’s saving up $100 for Uber rides when the weather is cold, or to buy one party outfit, these goals become more achievable when you take the long view. It’s not a resolution, exactly, but more of a treat to yourself.
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