Spoilers for season three of The Traitors (U.S.) ahead! Consider yourself warned!
We might be in a famine of fashion, but we are certainly not in a famine of chaos on this season of The Traitors. These folks up in the turret have thrown each under the bus so many times they’re becoming mere speed bumps on the road to implosion; Wes is threatening everyone who so much as looks in his direction; and Tom Sandoval can’t help but be wrong and loud, both literally and sartorially. Please, his bloke-core, wannabe Oxford quad kick isn’t fooling anyone, especially not with that little polka-dot pocket square. As Big Brother’s Britney Haynes, who is committed to looking like she’s defending a librarian accused of financial fraud in court, said, there are “no more good outfits.”
Alongside the chaos in the house, there seems to be a clear lack of remorse. At breakfast, The Bachelor’s Gabby Windey’s bright-pink chunky-knit top and plaid skirt, obviously stolen from the closet of Alicia Silverstone, screamed, “Let’s get a sweet treat after school,” when the ensemble should have said, “I betrayed my best friend last night!” That thought didn’t seem to keep Chrishell Stause up at night, either. She pulled up to that morning feast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed in what I would wear if I had a boxing match after Easter brunch. Cosplaying a fighter after throwing Nikki Garcia under the bus? Talk about adding insult to injury.
On the other side of the table, Danielle Reyes’s pillbox hat with a little brooch is doing all the talking. She knows all eyes are on her after the suspicious manner with which she handled those shields in last week’s episode and had no choice but to pull a Jackie O., a.k.a. one of the most trustworthy and transparent First Ladies this cursed country has ever seen. Although she could’ve done without the matching leather gloves. What did Johnny Cochran say when defending O.J.? “If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit.” Mama, these gloves are fitting!!! THE JURY IS GOING TO NOTICE!!! Also, it’s fascinating that Sam Asghari continues to wear his ex-wife’s headband. C’mon, Sam. The only memento one should have from an ex is an ever-growing, undying grudge, like all the BritBrit stans have on you!
Anyway, I’ll move on, even though Asghari perhaps hasn’t. Here’s this week’s rating on the castle’s most treacherous outfits.
Very Traitorous: Let’s forget Danielle’s Jackie O. cosplay for a moment and focus on her very tight leather skirt. She looks incredible, yes, but considering her steps are mere shuffles in it, Lord knows she’d never outrun a murderer. She’d be swallowed up faster than prosciutto in Sandoval’s hands. Only a Traitor wouldn’t need to worry about evading a killer …
Traitorous: Big Brother’s Derrick Levasseur. This man is a cop and is allergic to dressing like anything but one. That black baseball cap and black puffer during the challenge? Yeah, this man is visibly undercover! Don’t talk to cops without a lawyer present!!!
Faithful: Dylan Efron, a favorite on the Faithful roster week after week. His short-sleeve button-up just asked me, “Wanna go surfing later, dude? Or maybe drink a beer?”
Very Faithful: Miss Windey, despite your backstabbing, you looked so darn sweet and cozy in your bubblegum crochet-knit cardigan! I can tell all you want to do is curl up in a corner and read one of the Clique books, and, you know what, I relate!
[Editor’s note: We’ll be talking about the most outrageous outfits every episode this season, so tune back for more. And as far as photos go, we are giving you as many images as Daddy NBC will let us have. We will grovel for more in the coming weeks.]