Spoilers for season three of The Traitors (U.S.) ahead! Consider yourself warned!
If you have a queasy stomach, both for fashion faux pas and creepy-crawly critters, I urge you to steer clear of this episode. Yes, we have Tom Sandoval in a top hat; yes, we have Sam Asghari’s hair flattening into a bowl cut; yes, we have Britney Haynes dressing exactly how I wanted to when I was 13 (like Blair Waldorf); and yes, we have Carolyn Wiger dressing how I actually did at 13 (like a moody wannabe Tumblr teen). What’s worse, though, is all these women came to werk later in the episode only to have their gorgeous looks soiled.
Their dramatic veils? The flowing taffeta dresses? The tulle spilling out from every stitch? Britney’s commitment to wearing a headband at all times? It was all for naught! Each and every one of them got the New York special, a.k.a. cockroaches falling from the sky. It was as if God’s wrath had found these reality TV stars in the Scottish countryside, each deserving punishment for incessantly getting bamboozled by the Traitors. These poor celebrities were covered in maggots, crickets, scorpions, snakes, and more — in their hair, in their shirts, down their backs, and every nook and cranny in between, although Sandoval’s top hat ended up saving him. As I was watching Ciara Miller’s manicured hands digging through layers of insects, one thing was clear to me — these producers are about to have two frightening entities in their inboxes: PETA, for obvious reasons, and several New York City landlords, who are likely dying to know if they have advice on getting city slickers to be okay cohabitating with vermin.
The most notable moment of this matrimonial event, though, was the fact that Boston Rob took his damn baseball cap off and looked, dare I say, dapper. Though his flowing silver locks didn’t keep him from getting his name thrown out at the roundtable later on …
Below, this week’s fashion ranking, based on outfits and outfits alone!
Very Traitorous: Britney. Blair Waldorf was called Queen B for a reason, and you can only channel her for so long until people start associating you with her treachery.
Traitorous: Tom in his red tracksuit! When I saw it, I knew two crimes had been committed in the mansion. First, of course, was the murder, and second was the robbery of Vanilla Ice’s closet by Tom. But, dear Faithfuls, we will give credit where credit is due. Remember when, just last week, I asked this man to stop being loud and wrong? Well, it seems he got the Bat-Signal and finally correctly called out one of the Traitors.
Faithful: Danielle Reyes solely for her tie, which is giving “sit down, school is in session, I explicitly asked you all not to use ChatGPT to write your essays on Huckleberry Finn.”
Very Faithful: Dolores’s hat is very Inspector Gadget. Ironic for a woman who neither inspects nor gadgets successfully! Points for trying, though!
P.S. Obviously, best dressed this episode, as always, was queen pooch Lala in her dainty flower-girl frock.
[Editor’s note: We’ll be talking about the most outrageous outfits every episode this season, so tune back for more. And as far as photos go, we are giving you as many images as Daddy NBC will let us have. We will grovel for more in the coming weeks.]